Children Die in Hot Cars

Posted on May 16, 2013 by Barb

In my 37 years in insurance, one of the most tragic claims I ever saw involved a foster mother who left her two foster children, an infant and a toddler, strapped into their car seats sound asleep in the back seat of her van while she went in to work. She didn’t normally take the children to daycare; that was part of her husband’s routine. But he had something else to do that day, so the foster mom took the kids in her car. Only moments after the van pulled out of the driveway, the children were sound asleep.

On her way to work, the foster mom returned a phone call that was two days overdue, mentally reviewed the meetings on her schedule that day, and thought about the employee she had to reprimand. She also remembered that she had failed to take anything out of the freezer for dinner that night. When she pulled into the parking lot, she gathered her briefcase, phone, purse, and lunch out of the front passenger seat of the van, jumped out, and ran into work, hitting the lock button on the key as she ran toward the door. It was 7:30 a.m., and it was starting to warm up.

About 10:30 a.m. on that hot summer morning, the daycare provider called inquiring about the children. In an instant, reality of the situation that would forever change that woman’s life set in. She dropped the phone, grabbed her keys, and went running to her car, screaming for her assistant to call 911.

She tore open the side door of the van to find that the toddler had tried to get out of the car seat but couldn’t master the childproof latches that kept him bound. He had succumbed to heat stroke, but still had a faint pulse. The infant, however, was already dead. Both children were taken to the nearest emergency room, but the toddler died shortly after arrival. The investigation concluded that this was a tragic accident. The foster mother, however, was convicted of felony child endangerment. She is still serving her sentence.

Infants and toddlers die in hot cars every summer. According to San Francisco State University Department of Geosciences, the total number of heatstroke deaths of children left in cars in 2012 in the US was 32. The total number of heatstroke deaths of children left in cars from 1998 to present is 559. An examination of those 559 deaths revealed that 52% were children forgotten in the vehicle by caregivers. Of these children, 29% were playing in an unattended vehicle; 18% were intentionally left in the vehicle by an adult; and 1% died with full circumstances unknown. More than half of the children were under 2 years of age. Charges were filed in 49% of the cases. Of those prosecuted, 81% were convicted. In cases of paid caregivers, 84% were prosecuted with 96% were convicted.1

The people who have lost their children to heatstroke after being forgotten in a car include a university professor, a hospital CEO, a police officer, babysitters, extended family, and parents—people whose lives will never be the same.

A vehicle parked in 80-degree weather will reach a temperature inside of 123 degrees in 60 minutes. And studies have concluded that opening the windows has little effect.

The most common reason why children are left in hot cars is distracted memory lapse. This often occurs when having a child in the car is a break in routine. Busy people are thinking about their day, talking on the phone, listening to the radio, or doing a combination of these things, which distracts them considerably. Typically the child has fallen asleep in the car seat, so there’s no noise when the driver leaves the car. By the time the adult realizes his or her error, the child is often dead.

Some ways to prevent this tragedy are:

✓    Stop multi-tasking while driving.

✓    Place your cell phone, purse, briefcase, etc., on the floor of the rear seat of the vehicle below the child’s car seat.

✓    Keep the child’s stuffed animal or diaper bag in the front seat to remind you of who’s in the back seat.

✓    Develop the habit of always opening the back door of your vehicle after you park to retrieve your stowed items and child when you exit the vehicle.

✓    Ask your child’s babysitter or daycare provider to phone you if you are more than 5 minutes late in dropping off the child.

As the weather starts to warm up, start now to develop the habit of focusing on the road and the precious cargo you’re carrying.
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1Data taken from “Heatstroke Deaths of Children in Vehicles,” written by Jan Null, Department of Geosciences, San Francisco State University, http://ggweather.com/heat/.

This article is scheduled to appear in the July edition of Fostering Families Today. We strongly recommend getting FFT for all the substantive information provided.” http://www.adoptinfo.net/catalog_c55347.html

About the author:  Rhonda Sciortino, author of Succeed Because of What You’ve Been Through, is the National Child Welfare Specialist for Markel Insurance Company.  Rhonda is a foster alum who chairs the Successful Survivors Foundation and serves as a spokesperson for Foster Care Alumni of America. Her weekly radio show can be heard at www.rhondasradioshow.com.

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The Secret to Maximum Efficiency

Posted on May 16, 2013 by Barb

Every one of us is allotted a brand new set of 24 hours every day. No one gets any more or any less. Some people seem to be able to accomplish so much more with their 24 hours than do others. But why?

The people who get the most done, who accomplish the most with the time of their lives are people who know and use a very powerful secret. The secret to maximizing the time of your life is to know what to do, and more importantly, what not to do.

There is no worse waste of time than to do something very well that doesn’t need to be done at all.  Learning how to distinguish between what to do and what not to do is an acquired skill. Here are some tips for acquiring and honing this life-changing skill:

  1. Write down the Top 5 things you want to do with your life; i.e., raise great kids, have good relationships, earn enough money, be a good teacher—or whatever it is you do. (If you have more than five things, ask yourself, “If I can only do one or two of them in this life, which one would I choose?” Go down through the list until you’ve narrowed it down to the Top 5.)
  2. Write down all the things you do for a whole week. Write down stop & start times.
  3. At the end of the week, review what you did to see where your time went. (This could be a real eye opener!)
  4. Identify the Top 5 “time suckers” during your week; compare them to your Top 5 life goals.
  5. Ask yourself, “Do the things I’m spending my time on help me achieve my Top 5 life goals?” If they do not, eliminate or minimize those activities. If they do, relax and know that you’re investing your time in the things most important to you.

Once you’re investing the time of your life in fulfilling your Top 5 goals, you can learn to get even more efficient by implementing the following tips:

  1. Make a list the night before of the things that must be done the next day. Prioritize in order of importance.
  2. Complete the first item on the list and go down through the list, completing each task without distraction; i.e., check your email later, return calls later, and run errands later. Be diligent in making this a daily routine.
  3. Carry your task list with you so that you can review, revise, and reprioritize as needed. (If you have a Smartphone, add tasks and alarms to remind you of what needs to be done and when it needs to be done.)
  4. Carry reading material, note cards, and a pen with you at all times. When you find yourself waiting for someone, read to keep informed of those things that are important to you, or write notes to friends, family, clients, co-workers, and prospects. (I keep my note cards and stamps in a zip-lock baggie in my handbag.)
  5. Carry trail mix or a granola bar with you in case you don’t have time to stop and eat a full meal. When we miss a meal, we can get irritable and impatient, and then we often wind up throwing our priorities out the window. If you have the right food with you to each in crunch times, you won’t be tempted to eat the wrong things and you won’t eat too much when you finally do get the opportunity to eat. Don’t get derailed by health challenges that can easily be prevented.

I’d love to hear your tips for maximizing efficiency.

About the author:  Rhonda Sciortino, author of Succeed Because of What You’ve Been Through, is the National Child Welfare Specialist for Markel Insurance Company. Rhonda is a foster alum who chairs the Successful Survivors Foundation and serves as a spokesperson for Foster Care Alumni of America. Her weekly radio show can be heard at www.rhondasradioshow.com.

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Success Etiquette

Posted on May 9, 2013 by Barb

True success requires an understanding and implementation of etiquette. I’m certainly no expert in this area, but I’ve learned a few things along the way. I wish someone had shared this with me when I was out on my own after a dysfunctional childhood. Here’s to YOUR success!

Success Etiquette #1:  Say “Thank you.” When someone does something for you or pays you a compliment, say, “Thank you, that’s so nice of you to say.” If the comment or gesture is significant, hand write a thank you note and send it reasonably soon after the event.

Success Etiquette #2:  Speak positively about others. If you don’t have something positive, helpful, or encouraging to say, then don’t say anything at all. Every moment of silence does not have to be filled.

Success Etiquette #3:  Do not lie, ever! If someone asks you what you think of a hideous shirt or unflattering new hair style, be diplomatic by saying something like, “I like how healthy and shiny your hair looks,” or “Blue makes your eyes stand out.” Remaining truthful while artfully avoiding hurting the person is a learned skill. Practice.

Success Etiquette #4:  Avoid heated arguments by listening to the opinions of others, then expressing your thoughts calmly and diplomatically. Avoid the arrogance of giving the impression that your opinion is the only correct one. Rather, suggest it’s one to which you are entitled.

Success Etiquette #5:  Do not interrupt while another person is speaking. Instead, wait until the other person has completed his or her thought, then interject your thoughts. If there isn’t a natural break in the conversation and you have something to add, just say, “Excuse me, may I interject?”

Success Etiquette #6:  Listen to others. Many people are so busy thinking about what they’re going to say next that they fail to truly to listen to others. If others are talking nonstop, and you’re afraid you won’t remember what you want to say, make a note.

Success Etiquette #7:  Apologize when you do or say something that has hurt someone or when you’ve failed to do what you should have done. Sometimes a simple apology doesn’t make it entirely right. When that’s the case, offer to somehow make it up to the person.

Success Etiquette #8:  Admit when you’re wrong. When you find you’re wrong about something, say so. You can do it with humor or with a statement like, “It so irritates me to be wrong, but I have to admit, I was wrong.”

Success Etiquette #9:  Defend your friends. Being a loyal friend is invaluable. If a friend is criticized unfairly or lied about, say something like, “Lynn is a close friend of mine. I’m sure she had a good reason for what she did. I hope you’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. I do.”

Success Etiquette #10:  Use humor to lighten tense situations or relieve pressure. Be careful to NEVER say or do anything that could possibly be offensive to anyone. For example, never tell an obscene, vulgar, racial, or otherwise derogatory comment or joke. Never make a joke at someone else’s expense. Self-deprecating humor, laughing at one’s self, is the safest use of humor.

Success Etiquette #11:  Never brag because it demonstrates insecurity and diminishes your reputation with others. If someone begins bragging around you, acting disinterested is the best way to handle the braggart.

Success Etiquette #12:  Refuse to gossip. Refuse to participate or engage in talking about someone else behind his or her back. Even if the information is true, never talk about it with someone who can do nothing to help the situation.

Success Etiquette #13:  Do not complain. Refuse to be the person who finds something wrong with everything and everyone and who feels it necessary to point it out to anyone who will listen. It’s depressing for others to be around a person who constantly complains. Don’t be that person.

Success Etiquette #14:  Avoid potentially touchy situations and never ask someone who is not a close personal friend how old he/she is, how much he/she weighs, if she is pregnant, if he/she has ever had cosmetic surgery, if he/she is married, why he/she has no children, or any other personal information.

Success Etiquette #15:  Turn off your cell phone when you’re with others.  Never take a call, write a text, or check emails when you’re with someone. If you’re expecting an important call, tell that to the people you’re with and keep your phone visible. When the expected call comes in, excuse yourself, take the call and end it as quickly as possible. Apologize and thank the people you’re with for their patience.

Success Etiquette #16:  Introduce yourself with your first and last name. This demonstrates professionalism and confidence. When introducing other people, always use last names, and if you know the company affiliation of the people or something complimentary about them, or what they may have in common, include that. For example, “John Smith, please meet Jane
Doe—you two are both tennis enthusiasts.”

Success Etiquette #17:  Offer to help. When you notice someone carrying a heavy burden, struggling to open a door, or staying late to get a job done, offer a helping hand.

Success Etiquette #18:  Look your best. Personal grooming and cleanliness is extremely important. If you have tattoos, cover them. Ladies, never wear your top too low or skirts or dresses too high. Doing so doesn’t attract success or the right kind of person. Gentlemen, use what other successful men wear as a model for your style.

Success Etiquette #19:  Good posture indicates confidence and self-respect. Poor posture indicates insecurity. You may feel insecure, but don’t telegraph it through poor posture. Sit up and stand up straight, shoulders back, chin up, with a smile—ready to take on the world and WIN.

Success Etiquette #20:  Avoid drugs and alcohol. To be successful in the present economy requires every available brain cell. Substances that intoxicate kill brain cells. Do not allow yourself to get too relaxed in the presence of others. For example, drinking with co-workers while off-duty could result in you doing or saying something that will get back to your boss and destroy your opportunity for advancement.

Success Etiquette #21:  Remember birthdays and special occasions. You don’t have to have a lot of money to give a thoughtful gift to a friend. You can, for example, write out your feelings for a loved one, write a complimentary story you remember about the person, gather the comments and signatures of multiple friends onto one card, or frame a photograph or some keepsake. Many gifts are quickly forgotten, but a personalized gift will be treasured.

Success Etiquette #22:  Write thank you notes. When someone gives you a gift, pays for your lunch, or extends a kindness, write a handwritten note of thanks to the person. Email runs a very distant second to actually receiving a written card, but it is better than nothing.

Success Etiquette #23:  Pay compliments, especially to those who serve you. Mention a cheerful smile, prompt service, or a noticed characteristic. For example, “You’re always so patient.”

Success Etiquette #24:  Always ask if it’s a good time to talk. When you call someone, don’t just launch into whatever you called about. Ask first if you’ve caught the person at a bad time or if he or she has a few minutes to talk. If the person says he or she is busy, ask when you should call again.

Success Etiquette #25:  Ask for advice. Commit yourself to be a lifelong learner. When you find someone who is good at something, whether it is customer service, closing a sale, raising a child, or making the best potato salad you’ve ever tasted, ask what advice he or she can give you to improve in the area of his or her expertise. Be careful to take advice from people who are successful in a given area.

Success Etiquette #26:  Be a leader. We should all lead others toward treating people right and making right choices. To be a good leader, we must do what we want others to do and live the way we would like to lead others to live. We must earn the respect of those we would like to follow us.

Success Etiquette #27:  Never be envious of others. Celebrate the successes of others. No one else’s success diminishes your ability to achieve personal and professional success—even in the case of a co-worker who gets the promotion you hoped for. There is another position or a better opportunity for you. Envy and other negative emotions will only repel good things that would otherwise come your way.

Success Etiquette #28:  Good manners are essential to success. Say please, thank you, you’re welcome, how are you, it’s good to see you, how have you been, etc., and truly mean what you say. Compulsory manners are obvious and are seen as condescension or rudeness.

Success Etiquette #29:  Be mature or at least act that way. Acting immaturely will damage relationships and destroy your ability to get ahead in the workplace. No one wants to be with or do business with a selfish, self-centered person who throws a tantrum or pouts when things don’t go his or her way.

Success Etiquette #30:  Be courteous. Courtesy is an attitude of helpfulness, a politeness. Being courteous shows a respect for others. It doesn’t mean that you agree with everything others say or do. But it acknowledges his or her entitlement to be there and to have an opinion.

 

About the author:  Rhonda Sciortino, author of Succeed Because of What You’ve Been Through, is the National Child Welfare Specialist for Markel Insurance Company. Rhonda is a foster alum who chairs the Successful Survivors Foundation and serves as a spokesperson for Foster Care Alumni of America. Her weekly radio show can be heard at www.rhondasradioshow.com.

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Make the Most of the Time of Your Life

Posted on May 2, 2013 by Barb

Every one of us is allotted a brand new set of 24 hours every day. No one gets any more or any less. Interestingly, some people seem to be able to accomplish so much more with their 24 hours than do others.

Part of the reason for some people’s effectiveness is managing their time efficiently, and part of it is learning what not to do at all.  It’s been said that the greatest time waster in life is to master the art of doing something very well that doesn’t need to be done at all! But how do you determine what is essential and what is waste?

I drew the answer to that question from my 30+ years in the insurance industry. A good insurance company doesn’t just take your insurance premiums and then cross their fingers and hope that you don’t have an accident that costs them more than what they took in from you in premiums. A good insurance company provides risk management information to help you avoid inconveniences and tragedies that are preventable and foreseeable.

I’ve taken that philosophy of gathering and analyzing data to avoid preventable and foreseeable loss, and I’ve applied that in my life. For example, I know that if I book myself non-stop, day and night, for a week or two, I’ll become exhausted and possibly even sick. Knowing that, I build margins into my schedule. I know from analyzing the gathered data that I can push for four or five days, but then I have to take a rest to get refreshed for the next effort. It’s such a simple thing.

This technique can be applied in every area of your life. For example, you can evaluate the relationships in your life and determine which of those relationships drain the life right out of you. You can make a determination to limit the amount of time that you spend with someone who is a challenge or is toxic. You can pay attention to how you feel after eating certain foods. If you notice that you have indigestion after you’ve eaten onions, eliminate onions. Problem solved. You get the idea.

So, manage the “risk” of wasting the precious time you’re allotted in this life by evaluating how your time is spent. Are you investing your time or are you spending your time?

The key to knowing what is an investment of time and what is a waste is knowing your Life Assignment. What were you born to do? There are lots of clues to the answer to this very big question, but the very simple thing that you can do to answer this question right now is to write down the things you want to do before you die and the people closest to your heart.

Eliminate the tasks that aren’t essential to your fulfillment of the top three most important things in your life. Continuing to do these things will diminish your destiny. Invest your time doing only the things that get you closer to fulfillment of the three most important things in your life and around the people closest to your heart.

About the author:  Rhonda Sciortino, author of Succeed Because of What You’ve Been Through, is the National Child Welfare Specialist for Markel Insurance Company. Rhonda is a foster alum who chairs the Successful Survivors Foundation and serves as a spokesperson for Foster Care Alumni of America. Her weekly radio show can be heard at www.rhondasradioshow.com.

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How to Decide

Posted on April 25, 2013 by Barb

When you’re a child trying to decide between ice cream flavors, there’s no real consequence one way or the other. But the older you get, the more important the choices become, the more serious the decisions are, and the more rewarding or painful the consequences may be.

Bad things usually don’t just randomly happen. The same can be said for many of the amazing things that can happen in this life. When something really bad or really good happens, it can usually be traced back to a pivotal decision or a series of choices that led to the result. So you can see why it’s incredibly important to learn how to make good choices.

Throughout our childhood and teen years, we’re faced with who to befriend, whether or not to follow the rules, whether or not to do our homework, etc.  All of us face a time when we are tempted to do something we know is wrong. This can start with the temptation to steal a piece of candy or someone else’s lunch money, and it can lead all the way to using or selling drugs, stealing a car, or worse.

Deciding between doing what’s right and doing what’s wrong may not always be easy, especially when everyone you’re with is doing the wrong thing. But the actual choice between right and wrong is usually fairly clear cut and simple.

As you get older and are no longer tempted to make wrong choices, it may surprise you to learn that decisions can actually become more complicated because the things between which you must choose are both good. For example, imagine that you have two amazing job offers that pay the same salary, have essentially the same hours, and involve the same commute. How do you choose which job to take? We face these types of conundrums throughout our lives. Who should we marry? Where should we live? Which job should we take? Should we start our own business? Should we have children? Which church should we attend? And on and on it goes.

When choosing between seemingly good options, here’s what I do:

  1. Pray for wisdom.
  2. Write down the top five things I want to accomplish between today and the day I die. (If there are more than 5, I go down the list and ask myself, “If I could do only #1 or #2, which would I choose?” I do that until I have the top five things I feel most strongly about accomplishing or achieving before I leave here.)
  3. When opportunities present themselves, I ask myself if the opportunity moves me closer to the fulfillment of any of my top 5. If it does not, I either have to adjust my top 5, OR I have to say no to the opportunity.

Every right decision makes it easier to make the next choice that’s exactly right for you, and the next, and the next, which ultimately leads to success in every area of your life. Here’s to YOUR success!

About the author:  Rhonda Sciortino, author of Succeed Because of What You’ve Been Through, is the National Child Welfare Specialist for Markel Insurance Company. Rhonda is a foster alum who chairs the Successful Survivors Foundation and serves as a spokesperson for Foster Care Alumni of America. Her weekly radio show can be heard at www.rhondasradioshow.com.

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Human Trafficking and Foster Care . . . connecting the dots

Posted on April 15, 2013 by Barb

Some of the most vulnerable people in our society are easily lured and willingly recruited into human trafficking. It’s probably been going on for years. It’s time to sound the alarm. It’s time that foster care providers learn what to look for. It’s time that Court Appointed Special Advocates know what to do when they suspect their mentees are being “groomed.” It’s time that child welfare organizations begin capturing images of the young people in their care so that at the first recognition that a child goes missing, the photo is uploaded into the national database of images of missing children, which significantly improves the child’s chance of being recovered.

Vanguard University’s Global Center for Women and Justice recently held their annual Ensure Justice Conference, where what many child advocates have suspected for years was confirmed: the majority of victims of human trafficking are current or former foster kids. In attendance at the conference were people active in the fight against human trafficking, people in ministry, nursing and psychology students, teachers, and a school bus driver. But glaringly absent were people from the child welfare community.

Conference speakers included Ernie Allen, CEO of the International Center for Missing and Exploited Children; Dr. Laura Lederer, founder of Global Centurion, a non-profit organization dedicated to eradicating modern slavery by focusing on the demand side of the problem; Lisa Thompson, the liaison for the Abolition of Sexual Trafficking for the Salvation Army, and the director of the Global Center for Women and Justice, Sandie Morgan. These esteemed experts in the field of human trafficking confirmed the facts, supported by the best available data, that foster kids are walking willingly right into trafficking. By the time these kids figure out what has happened, it’s too late and they’re unable to escape. They’re held hostage, controlled by drugs, threats of harm to loved ones, and emotional bondage that comes from their inherent feelings of worthlessness.

And please don’t be one of the many people who dismiss child porn as “protected free speech” and prostitution as a “victimless” crime. Child porn photographs and videos are crime scene images—evidence of child sexual abuse. Our culture makes the commercial sexual exploitation of children acceptable when we assume that the young person pictured is willingly involved, when in fact, what is really happening is rape. Rape for the profit of the trafficker (formerly referred to as “pimp”) who cashes in on the girls, and sometimes boys, in his “stable.”

The Problem

 The Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children (CSEC) is a heinous crime that includes everything from the creation and distribution of child pornography, to live streaming video of violent acts against children, to people purchasing children by the hour from internet-based “menus of services.”

Ernie Allen, co-founder of the International Center for Missing and Exploited Children (ICMEC), said that of the millions of pornographic images on the internet, 10% are of infants and toddlers and 76% are of pre-pubescent children. Just pause and let that sink in for a moment. The overwhelming majority of child porn involves young children. This is a problem that cannot simply be written off as eighteen-year old college students making extra money by posing for pictures, or by imagining that the youngsters in the photos are in their 20’s dressed to look like children, or by the false belief that the images are somehow computer-generated imaginings. No, the children in the photos and videos who are subjected to the shame, humiliation, and physical pain of the violent sex acts being captured on film are real. Each little boy and little girl is a precious child.

And if there was any doubt in your mind about the extent to which children are forced to participate in degrading humiliating acts, Mr. Allen went on to say that 76% of all internet images involve penetration, often involving a foreign object, 44% include overt sadomasochistic bondage, 20% depict urination and/or defecation, and 4% involve bestiality.

Mr. Allen went on to say that the consumers are not who you would suspect–“They are doctors, lawyers, business executives, teachers, coaches and everyone in between. They don’t look evil.” Pedophiles have moved from isolation in a culture that shunned them and staunchly punished those who acted out their fantasies, to a worldwide, internet-based community of people who network and share images and techniques. Pedophiles now live in a culture that includes organizations like NAMBLA, the North American Man/Boy Love Association, which seeks the normalization of sexual relationships between adult men and boys and a justice system that often gives abusers minimal sentences.

Sandie Morgan, the director of Vanguard’s Global Center for Women and Justice (GCWJ), said, “Human trafficking is a business that is far more lucrative than the sale of drugs or arms because the children involved are considered ‘reusable assets.’” It is believed that people involved in the commercial sexual exploitation of children range from organized crime networks, to a husband and wife team, to street gangs, to wealthy businesspeople.

Last year members of the Gambino crime family were indicted by the New York District Attorney’s office. In Texas a husband and wife were arrested for collecting $29.95 per month from over 70,000 people for images of rape and other violent crimes against children. With the help of the credit card company through which they processed the internet transactions, they were finally shut down. In Florida a ring of traffickers was arrested as they recruited foster teen girls from group homes. A trafficker in Orange County, California, recruited foster kids through social networking and texting; he sent bus tickets to the girls with the promise of a modeling career.

Sandie Morgan went on to say that street gangs recruit homeless girls, typically within 48 hours of the girls becoming homeless, with nothing more than a hamburger, fries, a soda, and the promise of a place to shower and sleep for the night. Morgan says that by the fourth time a trafficker brings food to a homeless kid and says, “See, nobody else is taking care of you like I do,” the kid agrees and accompanies the trafficker right into a life of sex slavery.

There are YouTube videos that provide step-by-step instructions to would-be traffickers. One such video was of an attractive young college student who explains in detail his recruiting technique. In a calm, soothing voice, the young psychology student explains his use of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to persuade young girls to willingly become one of the “sisters” in his family. He begins by explaining the importance of befriending a girl with kindness and showing a sense of genuine concern and protectiveness over her. Whenever she shares something that is bothering her, this is an opportunity to side with her and turn her against the subject of her complaint—usually parents, guardians, or foster parents. This system of agreeing with her and taking her side gives the girl the sense that she finally has someone who really understands her and genuinely cares about her, someone who will be her strong defender.

This YouTube video further explains that once the trafficker has earned a girl’s friendship and gained her trust, he closes the deal by appealing to her need to belong, to be wanted, and to be a part of something bigger than herself. He offers her the opportunity to be part of his “family” and explains that each girl “must do her part” to earn money for the family. The trafficker explains that he’ll be her “boyfriend” or “Daddy”; he’ll protect her and make sure that she’s taken care of. He takes her shopping, buys her new outfits and shoes, and then puts her “into service.” This is where the instructional video ends, but where the nightmare begins for the girls, and sometimes boys.

According to Allen, a conservative estimate of American children who fall victim to human trafficking every year is 100,000. Mr. Allen stated that some research suggests that the actual number exceeds 250,000. There is no accurate empirical evidence because within the multi-billion dollar industry that involves sex with children, traffickers don’t file income taxes or issue reports on their operations and “inventory.” But one thing we know for sure is that the majority of young people rescued from human trafficking report that they have been sexually molested at home, many of whom went into foster care because of it.

Using the conservative estimate of 100,000 current or former foster kids and at-risk youth annually lured into trafficking, 60% of victims represent an estimated 60,000 kids who become sex slaves every year. That is 164 abused kids every daywhose lives go from bad to worse.

A 2009 New York Times series found that many trafficked kids are not reported missing, and even those who are, are not being entered into the FBI’s National Crime Information Center (NCIC) database as required by law. The Justice Department’s National Incidence Studies of Missing, Abducted, Runaway and Thrownaway Children estimated nearly 1.7 million runaways and “throwaways” each year, of which just 357,600 are reported to police.

Pause for a moment and consider that last statement. A foster kid (a kid who has been abused and feels abandoned, unwanted, and unloved) goes AWOL. The foster family reports it to the placing agency. The overburdened government social worker hopes the kid returns, but sets the file aside to deal with the more pressing issues of his or her already unrealistic case load. In some cases, one wonders if some people aren’t glad to be out from under the responsibility of trying to care for an extremely wounded and, consequently, very dysfunctional kid.

Now let’s imagine what the foster kid is thinking. Can you imagine being lured in and held against your will (kidnapped), knowing that absolutely no one is looking for you? There’s no search party being rallied. No detectives going door-to-door showing your picture or informing others where you were last seen. No SWAT team preparing to sweep in and save you. And there’s no loving mother doubled over in the excruciating heartbreak that accompanies learning that her precious child has been abducted and could be in the hands of pure evil. You’re in this alone. All alone.

Some might argue that it’s really not kidnapping when the kid willingly gets into the car and rides off. But the same person wouldn’t hesitate to call it kidnapping if his or her own child was lured away by someone who had no intention of ever letting him/her go free. Even if you willingly get in someone’s car, when the doors lock and you can’t get away, you’re imprisoned against your will.

Some victims of trafficking report having been sexually abused as youngsters. They look at prostitution as a ticket out of the victimization they’ve experienced. Many kids speak of the adults who “took sex from them for free,” and find consolation in now earning money for the “family.” These ”compliant victims” feel slightly more in control than they did as powerless victims of their childhood molester. Some even see the trafficker as their rescuer, and are they are so willing to please him that they compete for his favor.

After a while, the warm and fuzzy sense of belonging and being protected wears off, usually not long after the first violent rape and beating. The victim quickly learns that many of the people who purchase sex with kids her age aren’t the shy, cute, friendly virgin who is so often portrayed in the movies. Real “Johns” often arrive with descriptions of or videos of violent acts that they expect him or her to act out. The buyer expects to “own” the child for the time purchased with no interference or restrictions on activity. The sexual appetites often include violent, painful, humiliating acts that literally change the child’s brain according to the specialists in brain development of children at the US National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health.

It doesn’t take long for the new recruit to find out that the trafficker takes all the money he or she has earned. If she works up the courage to tell “Daddy” she wants to leave, she will typically be punished in a way that leaves a lasting impression and sets an example for the others. If she doesn’t resign herself to her imprisonment by then, control through drugs and threats of harm to her loved ones usually lead to a sense of hopelessness. It’s clear to see why most trafficking victims feel a deep sense of worthlessness and despair.

What’s Being Done

The Innocence Lost Initiative 

The Innocence Lost Initiative was launched in 2003 by the FBI with the Department of Justice Child Exploitation and Obscenity Section and the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. It consists of 47 task forces that focus on arrest and conviction of the real people behind the commercial sexual exploitation of children. To date, they have made 1200 successful arrests and prosecutions; of those arrested, there have been 8 convictions with a life sentence. Of the 2300 kids who have been rescued, many had been reported missing, but most had not; most of those not reported missing were the foster kids.

Operation Cross Country Sweeps 

Traffickers typically post ads online, schedule appointments in a specific city, and then move the children in vans from city to city, leaving town before law enforcement catches on. In response to their tactic, the FBI began Operation Cross Country Sweeps where traffickers are tracked as they move children from place to place and arrests are made.

 National Photo Database

Pictures of missing children and of children thought to be “out of place” or “in the wrong place at the wrong time” are uploaded to the database and matched, thanks to a collaborative effort between Microsoft and Dartmouth College, those photos are electronically matched to images of child porn and violence that have been submitted by participating Electronic Service Providers by using PhotoDNA. Remarkably, the software created by the Microsoft/Dartmouth collaboration estimates that the likelihood of a false positive match is 1 in 10 billion. Microsoft provided this tool free of charge.

Anyone can upload an image or make a report of suspected wrongdoing any time of the day or night at www.missingkids.com/CyberTipline or by phone using the toll-free Hotline at 1-800-THE-LOST® (1-800-843-5678) 24 hours a day.

ICMEC serves as a clearinghouse for digital images obtained from the public and from Electronic Service Providers like FaceBook, Craig’s List, and Backpage. Currently 80% of US internet companies remove images of child porn daily and upload those images to the database. The cooperating internet companies shut down users who upload these images based on violation of their terms of use agreements.

The national database wouldn’t be successful if Electronic Services Providers failed to cooperate. FaceBook was the first to use the PhotoDNA software, seizing over 81,000 images in 2011 alone. In 2010 Craig’s List removed all adult advertising content. The Backpage remains an international venue for purchasing child porn and for contracting for live streaming video of violent acts against children. They have agreed to eliminate nudity and graphic porn and to discontinue links to “John boards.” They currently make an estimated 1,000 referrals of child porn per month; however, there have been few arrests. There are still far too many ads using code words for children, such as “young,” “fresh,” and “new in town.”

Educating Law Enforcement

ICMEC and other organizations, like Runaway Girl, FPC, are educating law enforcement, juvenile justice, and child welfare about the special needs of trafficking victims. Some progress has been made in arresting the perpetrator rather than the victim, which has been the norm in the past, but there is much more work to be done. At present, ten states have enacted Safe Harbor laws requiring that victims not be treated as offenders.

The founder of Runaway Girl and author of the book of the same name, Carissa Phelps, was a twelve-year-old trafficking victim herself. She is now a lawyer who advocates for victims; works for their rescue, treatment, and rehabilitation; and encourages people to move from seeing the runaway girl as the “prostitute” who should be arrested to seeing her as the rape victim to be cared for, and the trafficker and consumer as the perpetrators to be arrested. Runaway Girl also works to create employment and career development opportunities for rescued victims.

 Following the Money

According to Dr. Laura Lederer, “The whole point of human trafficking is to generate a profit. It’s a business. If there was no profit in it, the people who now profit from it would find another way to generate revenue.” Dr. Lederer’s organization, Global Centurion, focuses on reducing demand. If the demand was eliminated, commercial sexual exploitation of children would end.

Obviously, all internet transactions involve an exchange of money for product. So it would follow that if you shut down the means of collecting payment, you effectively stop the sale and purchase of child porn and trafficking of children. To that end, the Financial Coalition Against Child Pornography was created. The coalition includes 34 credit card companies, banks, payment companies, and internet companies, which cooperate with law enforcement by cutting off the ability of identified dealers of child porn and traffickers to process credit card transactions. The challenge is that merchant accounts with credit card companies typically give the merchant the opportunity to decide the way its company name shows up in credit card transactions. For example, a credit card transaction may say “XYZ Florist,” “XYZ,” “blooms,” or simply “flowers.”

It’s incumbent upon law enforcement to provide real time information on charges before the credit card companies can discontinue the merchant account. In an effort to do just that, many participating credit card companies donate accounts to law enforcement officials who then attempt to make illegal purchases using those accounts. When the purchase goes through, the credit card company shuts the account down. Unfortunately, this becomes like the game “whack-a-mole” because the traffickers simply start up a new account under another name without missing a beat.

When this attack at the trafficker’s ability to make internet transactions started to gain traction, the traffickers began to use alternate payment systems, like “Bitcoin” or BTC, which is an unregulated digital currency. Many have moved to a “virtual shadow economy” using “bullet-proof” hosting companies, encrypted storage, seemingly impenetrable firewalls, and “anonymizers,” which allow consumers to maintain complete anonymity. By all the traditional measurements, it would appear that the purchase of child porn and sex with children has been reduced dramatically. The reality, however, is quite the opposite.

Phone Apps

 A number of remarkable phone applications have been, or are currently being, developed to help in the fight against these heinous crimes. One such application expected to be released before the end of 2013 is one that will be available to law enforcement throughout the US. The app scans the fingerprints of a suspected victim from as far away as six feet. The fingerprints are then uploaded into a national database, and within minutes the app advises if there is a positive match. If a match is made, the child can be rescued on the spot.

Another phone app, developed by a foster alumni in collaboration with the aerospace industry, uses GPS technology to direct homeless, lost, or trafficked kids to the nearest shelter and services.

Eliminating Law Enforcement Waiting Periods

Most police departments across the country have traditionally had a 24-hour waiting period before a child could be reported as missing. The Adam Walsh Act changed this by requiring that the report of a missing child must now be entered into the National Crime Information Center (NCIC) database within two hours of being reported missing. The sooner a child is reported missing, the greater the likelihood of finding the child, especially if a recent photo is uploaded to the national photo database.

The Global Health Coalition

The Global Health Coalition is attacking human trafficking from the standpoint of it being a public health crisis. They are working to educate medical professionals on the myriad health issues surrounding the commercial sexual exploitation of children, including HIV/AIDS, STDs, mental health issues, drug addiction, and the consequences of forced abortions.

The Coalition is working hard to communicate that the rates of depression and suicide are exponentially higher among trafficking victims. They have a higher risk of heart disease, heart attack, stroke, headaches, chronic pain, and reproductive health issues. Their rate of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is estimated at four times higher than the general population and double that of combat veterans.

Reducing Demand

Global Centurion is actively involved in helping identify the perpetrators, exploiters, buyers, and end-users of human beings for commercial sex. Their goal is to eradicate CSEC by reducing demand. They gather data about laws, criminal justice and educational programs, as well as law enforcement techniques, with the goal of identifying and developing best practices to prevent modern slavery. They also advise policy makers and design training programs for going into “hot spot” areas where trafficking is likely to occur in order to enable others to identify victims, intervene, and create programs that help victims.

Sounding the Alarm

Foster Care Alumni of America is working to change the way the problem is viewed. They are working to help the child welfare community connect the dots between foster care and CSEC. Executive Director of FCAA, Adam Robe, says, “We are arming our members with the information to become spokespersons in their communities about the often invisible victims of trafficking (foster kids) and to encourage child welfare professionals and community leaders to take the steps necessary to eradicate these heinous crimes against their most vulnerable citizens.”

 What YOU Can Do
Prevention

Be Skeptical
Ernie Allen of ICMEC said, “Be skeptical.” If you don’t like or have a good feeling about someone who has access to the kids within your influence, act on that hunch. Don’t dismiss it as overreaction. It’s better to overreact and apologize than to lose a child. Allen went on to say, “If you see it, suspect it, or know about it, REPORT IT.” If average people pay attention, lives will be saved.

Create Relationships
Foster parents, social workers, teachers, mental health workers, medical practitioners, Court Appointed Special Advocates, neighbors, extended family, biological kids of the foster families, and classmates can all save lives by paying attention to the most vulnerable among us. We can all prevent a young person from being lured into trafficking by meeting that need inside of them to be loved and wanted and needed—it’s called RELATIONSHIP.

The obnoxious, defiant, or withdrawn behavior exhibited by wounded kids is driven by an unspoken question, “Do you really care about me?” They suspect that if you are inconvenienced one too many times or are pushed a little too far, you’ll walk away just like everyone else has. To prevent them from being lured and trafficked, we must stick with these kids and not give up on them.

Helping to make a wounded young person feel loved and wanted can be difficult to do, but it’s quite simple. You find something good about him or her and point it out–again and again and again (caveat: avoid complimenting physical attributes). Finding the good characteristics about a person who has been abandoned, neglected, abused, or otherwise mistreated is like describing to a blind child her beautiful, shiny hair—she’s never seen it before. Foster kids may never have heard anyone tell them that they are strong, courageous, determined, tenacious, or resilient. They may not even know what those words mean; so in pointing out positive characteristics, you get the opportunity to explain and give examples of how the child exemplifies those positive characteristics. When the young person thinks better of him or herself, he or she will make better choices and, consequently, get better results.

Establish After-School Programs
Sandie Morgan of GCWJ pointed out that after-school programs can be part of the first line of defense against traffickers. Not only does the after-school program physically protect the kids by keeping them in a safe place, but it protects them from predators because workers can educate the kids, get to know them, and create relationship, which is the best defense against the lure of predators. Building the child’s self-esteem bolsters his or her ability to steer clear of trouble.

Rescuing Victims
Take and Upload Pictures

Many people in the US have a cell phone with a camera at the end of our arm most hours of the day or night. We need to keep in mind that we can use that camera to capture an image of a young person who is alone in what looks to be “the wrong place,” or is out a little too late, or who looks to be under duress or under the influence. If we just have a feeling that things may not be quite right, we should act on our instincts. We can easily upload those photographs to the http://www.missingkids.com/CyberTipline or we can call 1-800-THE-LOST any time of the day or night.

Young Girls Seeking Birth Control or Abortions

One of the ways victims can be easily identified is when an underaged girl is brought in for an abortion. Many traffickers have brought in girls as young as 12 years old for an abortion without the abortion provider notifying the police. One abortion clinic worker said a man who looked well over 35 years of age accompanied a pre-pubescent girl for an abortion that was performed with no questions asked. At the very least, girls in those situations are victims of statutory rape. Abortion clinic workers have a clear opportunity to notify authorities.

We don’t have to become vigilantes or get our Rambo on and risk getting arrested ourselves. We simply have to pay attention and report what we’ve seen, along with the specific location. Then we can let the PhotoDNA software do its job and let the trained professionals in the FBI Innocence Lost Initiative investigate the situation.

Advocacy

Everyone who works with children can be a spokesperson in his or her community to educate the public about the heinous crime of sex with children. Raising awareness helps to reduce demand. You don’t have to be an expert to simply point people toward www.missingkids.com and www.netsmartz.org.

Policy makers in child welfare can help by improving communication between stakeholders. People who interact with children should know what to do if they see or suspect something. When everyone is effectively communicating, the results can be remarkable.

Everyone who cares about kids can help mobilize our communities to become passionately indignant and to turn that white-hot indignation into action.

Treatment for Victims

We must create real services for victims that address the unique needs and issues they experience on the long road to recovery and restoration. They need immediate shelter, longer-term housing, medical care, mental health services, education, and in many cases drug treatment. More than anything else, they need hope for a good future.

The good news is that trafficking victims are resilient. They respond remarkably well to Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT). Research has shown that 50% of PTSD victims recover within two years. Another of the encouraging interventions with sexual exploitation victims is online therapy. One study reported that one hour of web-based therapy met the victims’ needs better than traditional clinic-based counseling because it is accessible, anonymous and affordable.

Reducing Demand

Our culture has made the sexualization of children acceptable. For example, in children’s beauty pageants little girls are dressed to look like twenty-something models with clothes and high-heeled shoes manufactured in little girl sizes, and clothing retailers use provocatively dressed children in their ads, all of which are evidence of the normalization of child sexuality in our culture. None of us individually can probably change this movement, but all of us collectively can effect change in our own circles of influence, which can converge into a powerful change in the way the world views children. If it doesn’t start here, then where? If not with us, then who?

Let’s Do This

People active in the fight against the commercial sexual exploitation of children are working hard to expose the seemingly upstanding citizens who think they are protected behind multiple firewalls and anonymizers as they peruse the catalogs of children available for sex. To effectively end this heinous crime in the US, law enforcement needs the active cooperation and collaboration of everyone who cares about kids.

The work of ending these atrocious crimes against children involves informing, educating, motivating, and mobilizing everyone. Every foster alum, every child advocate, every child welfare professional, every teacher, every coach, and every medical and mental health person who sees children must…

  1. be vigilant
  2. report suspicions
  3. educate others
  4. empower kids
  5. be a spokesperson in his or her community

At the Ensure Justice conference, Ernie Allen closed his presentation with this poem by Helen Kromer, to encourage us in this fight:

One man awake can awaken another.
The second can awaken his next door brother.
The three awake can rouse the town,
Turning the whole place upside down.
And the many awake make such a fuss,
They finally awaken the rest of us.

WAKE UP

 (Originally published in Foster Focus Magazine, Volume 2, Issue 10)

About the author:  Rhonda Sciortino, author of Succeed Because of What You’ve Been Through, is the National Child Welfare Specialist for Markel Insurance Company. Rhonda is a foster alum who chairs the Successful Survivors Foundation and serves as a spokesperson for Foster Care Alumni of America. Her weekly radio show can be heard at www.rhondasradioshow.com.

 

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Mining the Lessons

Posted on April 8, 2013 by Barb

Many people fail to find and fulfill their life’s purpose because of overwhelming obstacles. Those perceived obstacles may actually be the potential stepping stones to their success.

When I was a little girl, my mother took me to our neighbor and asked her to babysit while she went shopping. But she didn’t go shopping. Hours later when she didn’t return, the neighbor, who had five children of her own and was none too happy about having a sixth kid to feed, started calling around in an attempt to find my mother. No one had heard from her or knew where she was. When social services got involved, my alcoholic grandmother was located, and the next thing I knew I was living in a filthy, dilapidated, 500-square-foot shack with my alcoholic grandmother and her mentally unstable husband, my grandfather. Unbeknownst to anyone, my mother had moved out of state. She never returned.

I spent most of the first 16 years of my life in that shack. I was beaten for any reason and sometimes for no reason at all. I was disciplined with a skillet of hot oil when I was four years old, presumably for talking too much. For a time we were homeless as a result of a fire that made the little shack uninhabitable. I could go on for hours, but I’ve told you this much of my story to make a few key points.

The sense of abandonment I experienced every time I thought that my mother or father was going to show up and didn’t, typically on birthdays and Christmas, developed in me a sense of self-reliance. I learned the hard way that no one was going to show up to rescue me from my abusers. That no one was going to show up with food when we had none. That no one was going to magically reach into my life and “fix” everything. Consequently, when I started my first job at the age of 13, I knew that no one was going to do the work for me. I didn’t expect anyone to help me. If I didn’t know what to do or how to do something, I would ask for instructions or find a book or other resource to help me. When I emancipated at age 16, I didn’t expect anyone to save me. When I started my first business at age 27, I knew that success was up to me. In short, abandonment taught me self-reliance. Self reliance has served me well.

The verbal and physical abuse that I experienced throughout my childhood did some significant damage to my self-esteem; however, it taught me some valuable lessons. I learned how to read the slightest micro expressions in the faces of my abusers. I learned when to leave, when to hide, when to stick my face in a book (if I was reading, I was usually left alone), and when to try to redirect the conversation to something else the abusers could turn their anger on. In short, I learned how to quickly shift from passive fear to active coping. The ability to read expressions served me well years later in dealing with customers and negotiating with insurance companies. The ability to shift from fear to coping served me well on the occasions when I was in emergency situations, including the time when I was sitting on the bench seat of our car at nine years of age next to my grandfather as he had a heart attack while driving full speed on the freeway. I got the car pulled over and turned off, and I placed the nitroglycerin tablet under his tongue while my grandmother screamed and wrung her hands.

The abuse also developed in me the characteristic of courage. When my 6′ 2″ grandfather turned his aggression toward my much smaller grandmother, I would jump in front of her to shield her. I learned through it all that I always came through, which means that I was resilient. Courage and resilience served me well through the myriad trials I faced personally and professionally. As a result of abuse, I have a keenly-developed “justice meter.”  I can sense when people around me are being mistreated, and I typically don’t tolerate it for long before I’m compelled to intervene. It’s this kind of “justice meter” that makes successful survivors of childhood abuse gravitate toward careers that involve justice, including police officers, firefighters, parole and probation officers, attorneys, and judges.

Poverty taught me to be resourceful. When something breaks and you don’t have the money to replace it, you figure out how to repair it. When your only pair of pants rips, you learn how to sew. Poverty also taught me to appreciate every good thing I now have, and it developed in me sensitivity for those who have less than I do.

Being homeless as a result of an uninsured fire led eventually to a sincere appreciation for appropriate insurance coverage. Combined with the heartfelt desire for justice, in my 35-year career in the insurance industry, I developed a zero tolerance for incompetent or unscrupulous insurance brokers. I know personally the consequences of an uninsured loss, and I can’t stand the thought of a child experiencing homelessness because someone dropped the ball.

There are many more examples of mining the lessons out of my pain and applying them as stepping stones to my success. I went from abandonment, abuse, dysfunction, chaos, and poverty to excellent relationships with quality people, peace, joy, good health, and financial prosperity—not because I was “lucky,” not because I was at the right place at the right time or knew the right people, not because I married a wealthy man or bought a winning lottery ticket. I’ve earned a measure of success in every area of my life because I did the work necessary to forgive those who hurt me, because I found the good in every ugly situation, and because I identified and leveraged my strengths. And remember the reason I was disciplined with hot oil?  Now I get paid to travel all over the U.S. to talk.

Three Practical Activities to Do:

  1. Draw a horizontal time line marked vertically on the far left with the date of your birth and on the far right with today’s date. Draw a vertical mark for every life-changing event you’ve experienced to date.
  2. Draw a line down the middle of a blank sheet, and on the left side, write a brief summary of each life-changing event. On the right side, write a characteristic that you developed or a positive (or potentially positive) thing that came from the event.
  3. On a separate sheet, list every possible positive word that could be used to describe you. Include your natural skills, talents, abilities, education, and training, as well as your personality characteristics. Make sure not to dismiss or diminish anything, including things like being a good companion, a good listener, etc. Read and re-read these words and begin to see yourself as the strong, capable, resourceful, resilient person you are.

(Originally published as a contribution to the Parenting 2.0 eBook)

About the author: Rhonda Sciortino, author of Succeed Because of What You’ve Been Through, used the coping skills from an abusive childhood to start her own business and develop it, along with her other investments, into a multi-million dollar balance sheet. Through her writing, speaking, and media appearances, she shares how others can use the obstacles in their lives as stepping stones to a great future.

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Eliminating Distractions

Posted on April 2, 2013 by Barb

What’s distracting you from your purpose? From your goals? Is it worth it? If so, could the distraction be part of your purpose? Is it teaching you? Refining you? If not, focus on your purpose and avoid the distraction.

Eliminating Distraction #1:  Every night write the Top 3 things that you must get done tomorrow and WHY you must get them done.

Eliminating Distraction #2:  Learn to say “no” or “not now” to anything that threatens to distract you before you’ve accomplished your Top 3.

Eliminating Distraction #3:  When a distraction arises, ask yourself if the distraction is part of your Life Assignment. If it is, do it. If not, fit it in another day or not at all.

Eliminating Distraction #4:  Learn the difference between opportunity and distraction. Potentially life-changing opportunities may come along, but unless you have a clear idea of your Life Assignment and the goals for achieving it, you could miss a critical opportunity. Be clear on your Assignment.

Eliminating Distraction #5:  Thinking about what others have done to us or failed to do for us is a pointless waste of time. Get out of the past. Use your time to move toward your goals and your future.

Eliminating Distraction #6:  If you need to build your confidence to believe you can do what you need to do, think about times in your past that you did what you didn’t think you could do. Or about a time you made it through. You can do this. Now go get ’em.

Eliminating Distraction #7:  You may be holding yourself back. Maybe you think you’re not qualified. You may not have the education, the experience, the movie star looks, or whatever it is you think you lack; but YOU are the only one with your Life Assignment, for which you were perfectly matched. Quit holding yourself back.

Eliminating Distraction #8:  If you think you’re too old to fulfill your goals, think again. Colonel Sanders was 65 when he started Kentucky Fried Chicken. What you lack in youth, you make up for in experience and wisdom.

Eliminating Distraction #9:  Some people don’t move toward their goals because on some level they feel they don’t deserve good things. They’ve made too many mistakes or have done too much wrong, and they haven’t forgiven themselves. If that’s you, give yourself a break. King David committed adultery and murder; yet God said he was a man after God’s own heart. Forgive yourself and move on.

Eliminating Distraction #10:  When things go wrong, don’t recount all the details to everyone who will listen. This multiplies the time lost. Move on.

Eliminating Distraction #11:  Examine your habits. Do you spend time doing things that do not move you closer to your goals? Eliminate those things from your day and replace them with something fun or something that moves you toward success and a better life.

Eliminating Distraction #12:  Are there things you do that you could be delegating to others? Perhaps it’s time for children to learn how to do those tasks. While sharing your load, you can teach self-reliance to others.

Eliminating Distraction #13:  Could you pay someone to do something that gives you more time? If you can earn more than you’d have to pay someone to do a talk for you, give yourself permission to do it. You’ll be moving yourself closer to your goals and helping others in a way that maintains their dignity.

Eliminating Distraction #14:  Schedule your email and personal calls. Do not give others the power to distract you from your purpose. Turn off sound and notifications while working.

Eliminating Distraction #15:  Establish routine on the things you do and need daily so you won’t waste valuable time searching for things. For example, keep keys in the same spot always; and put the things you’ll need the following day in a bag at the door.

Eliminating Distraction #16:  Learn to say NO to things that aren’t part of your Life Assignment—even good things can distract you from the perfect thing you were created to do. If you don’t have peace about it, don’t do it.

Eliminating Distraction #17:  Learn to quiet your mind. Close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths. Focus on the most important thing.

Eliminating Distraction #18:  Learn to distinguish between urgent and important. Urgent can often be delegated. Important can usually be done only by you.

Eliminating Distraction #19:  Create distance between you and people who aren’t willing to do what’s necessary to help themselves.

Eliminating Distraction #20:  Don’t spend time doing things to earn acceptance of another. Fulfill your Life Assignment and others will be attracted to you and accepting of you.

Eliminating Distraction #21:  Don’t waste time making a big deal out of issues that you cannot solve. For example, don’t make things like race a part of your life dialogue—or politics or gender or sexual orientation or any other issue not integral to your Life Assignment.

Eliminating Distraction #22:  When someone hurts you, immediately forgive and move on. To do otherwise gives the offender an even greater victory.

Eliminating Distraction #23:  Don’t waste time complaining about things that you’ll eventually do anyway. For example, do the laundry, make dinner, clean up, etc., without the distraction and time waster of complaint.

Eliminating Distraction #24:  When you need it to be quiet to get a task done or you have difficult work to do, wake up an hour early and get several hours’ worth of work done during that undistracted period of free time.

Eliminating Distraction #25:  Establish “electronics-free” time. No Internet, no phone, no TV, no music, or no talk radio. Just focus on time for prayer, meditation, and high achievement work time.

Eliminating Distraction #26:  Set aside anything that keeps you from the peaceful sleep that your mind and body need to rejuvenate. If it’s the newspaper full of bad news, put it down. If it’s the drama-filled TV, turn it off. If it’s the 1000-image-per minute Internet revving up your brain, shut it down. REST!

Eliminating Distraction #27:  Don’t argue. Learn to say, “You may be right.” “I care too much about you to argue.” “Let’s agree to disagree.”

Eliminating Distraction #28:  When attacked, don’t waste time defending yourself. To engage is to give your attacker the advantage of having distracted you from your Life Assignment.

Eliminating Distraction #29:  Don’t play “small ball.” Unless a subject is part of your Life Assignment, don’t engage.

Eliminating Distraction #30:  Avoid debt like it was cancer. Debt for anything that’s not worth more than you can quickly sell it for distracts us because then life decisions are made around servicing debt instead of fulfilling our Life Assignments.

Eliminating Distraction #31:  Get clear on your Life Assignment; then focus on it to the exclusion of all else. When decisions must be made, always choose in favor of decisions for your Life Assignment.

By now you’ve learned how to distinguish between something that moves you closer toward the fulfillment of your Life Assignment and those things that can steal your time, steal your joy, and steal your destiny. Don’t allow anything to interfere with your ability to find and fulfill your Life Assignment, because when you are moving in the direction of what you were created to do, you will earn a measure of all five points of prosperity—good relationships, good health, peace, joy, and financial stability. Here’s to YOUR success!

Rhonda

About the author: Rhonda Sciortino, author of Succeed Because of What You’ve Been Through, used the coping skills from an abusive childhood to start her own business and develop it, along with her other investments, into a multi-million dollar balance sheet. Through her writing, speaking, and media appearances, she shares how others can use the obstacles in their lives as stepping stones to a great future.   www.rhonda.org

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Model the Behavior of Your Mentors

Posted on March 28, 2013 by Barb

For me, significant change took place in my life when I began to intentionally copy the behavior of people I liked and respected. I chose my role models and took note of the way they acted by watching them and reading about them.

The first major change came when I chose to emulate women whom I referred to as “church ladies.” These were ladies who seemed nice and approachable, never argued or got into any conflict, were always pleasant and positive, and had a reputation for helping others. All those were qualities I wanted to have. I watched the way they conducted themselves, listened to what they said, took note of things they would never say, and then began acting like a “hardworking, respectable church lady.”

At the same time, I was watching and listening to my boss, who was a very successful businessman. I intentionally began to read the books he read, to say the kinds of things he said (which were always positive and hopeful), and to act the way he did with clients. One day I realized I had become a hardworking, respectable “church lady” and a business person. I had become who I had been trying to be! I no longer even remotely resembled the “white trash ghetto girl” that I had been and that some people expected me to be. And, I had proven wrong all the people who predicted that I’d be “just like my mother.”

I also changed my physical appearance. You may be asking, “How, specifically, did that happen?” Well, it began with me making the decision to talk, dress, and act differently. Once I did that, things started to happen. Specifically, one of my insurance clients was a hair stylist. This stylist and her sister, also a business person, were successful people and were well put together, meaning their outfits, hair, and make-up were always perfect. When they offered advice about my hair, make-up, and clothes, I listened carefully because I wanted to be professionally “well put together” like them.

I was receptive to their advice, which evidently gave them confidence about taking some pretty dramatic steps to help me. One day when I met with them to talk about their business insurance, one of the sisters sat me down in one of the salon chairs and started cutting off my hair! Tears rolled down my cheeks as I watched my long hair fall to the floor, but I wasn’t crying later when my business improved as a result of me having a much more professional look.

About a week after my new hairstyle was “forcibly imposed” on me, the sisters called me in for another meeting. When I arrived this time, one of the sisters told me to get in her car. Instead of going to lunch to talk about their insurance, as I thought we were doing, she pulled into the parking lot of her favorite clothing store! I followed her around like a puppy while she literally picked out clothes for me that would accentuate my positives and mitigate my negatives. I was red with embarrassment as she followed me into the dressing room and told me to try on the various outfits. But I did as she said. One by one, she’d hang them outside or set them aside for purchase. I left that day with a totally new wardrobe and a completely different look. Because those two ladies took a personal interest in me, I looked and, surprisingly for me, I acted more professional. I started to believe that I was the person I looked like—a professional businesswoman.

When I see or hear someone who knows more about a subject than I do, I listen carefully to what they say for little bits of advice I can incorporate into my life. I hope to be learning and improving for the rest of my life. As long as I still thought of myself and referred to myself as a “white trash ghetto girl,” I made the kinds of decisions a “white trash ghetto girl” would make. The decisions about who I chose to have relationships with, the way I interacted in those relationships, the language I chose, the way I dressed, and the things I thought were entertaining were all from the perspective of a “white trash ghetto girl.” When I began to CHOOSE who I wanted to be and how I wanted to act, I began to change what I thought about. After a while, I began to see myself as a different, better person. It was then that I realized that I was no longer acting like someone else. I had become someone else.

Once I had become a professional businesswoman, it wasn’t that difficult to imagine myself as a business owner. I began to model the behavior of the original founder of the company for whom I worked. The man who hired me was the kind of person who did what he thought was right. He believed that he was the best insurance broker his clients would ever find! His boldness in business was very different from the way I’d learned to survive in the environment where I grew up. But I watched and listened, and I began to act boldly like Fred. I began to believe that I was the best insurance agent for my clients because I truly cared about protecting them, their family, their homes, their vehicles, and their businesses. Where I had been timid about asking people if they wanted to buy their insurance from me, I boldly began to assume that they would. Many of those assumptions resulted in new clients. Those new clients translated into increased income and referrals to more new clients. The more new business I brought in, the bolder I got! In acting like Fred, I was acting like a business owner. Before long, I was one!

The money, businesses, houses, office buildings, cars, vacations, and all the rest didn’t transform me. Those things were acquired after I changed. What changed me was thinking differently long before all those things showed up in my life. My thinking changed and then I changed. I deliberately CHOSE the way I wanted to act. I deliberately chose the words I wanted to say. I trained myself to think the way my role models thought. And eventually, quietly, without any fanfare, I realized I had become that person.

(This is an excerpt from Rhonda Sciortino’s book, Succeed Because of What You’ve Been Through.)

About the author: Rhonda Sciortino, author of Succeed Because of What You’ve Been Through, used the coping skills from an abusive childhood to start her own business and develop it, along with her other investments, into a multi-million dollar balance sheet. Through her writing, speaking, and media appearances, she shares how others can use the obstacles in their lives as stepping stones to a great future.

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A Beautiful Anachronism: Central Texas Children’s Home

Posted on March 12, 2013 by Barb

Many people have fond memories of days gone by, better days. Days of neighbors chatting over the fence while watering lawns, of the whole family gathering around the one TV in the house to watch the show they’ve waited for all week long, of families going to church on Sundays and attending annual town picnics.

I recently had the feeling that I had stepped back in time—to a better time—when I went to Austin, Texas, for the Central Texas Children’s Home benefit dinner. Central Texas Children’s Home (CTCH) still employs houseparents, a model of care for abused children that is almost extinct in the U.S. As I visited with one of the couples who cares for kids, I was moved by the truth that their work with kids isn’t a job to them; it’s their ministry.

I spoke to all the kids at the home, and I marveled at how well-behaved and articulate they were. Vincent has been accepted at TCU. Kaitlyn is a writer destined to be published. All the kids have dreams and hopes that those dreams will be fulfilled. How different are the attitudes of those kids and the life choices they’re making from many of the kids I see in the child welfare system across the country.

Too many of the young people in secular foster care whom I meet have “vacant eyes.”  They feel worthless, and everyone can see it in their faces. They have no hopes, no dreams, and they seem to be incapable of visualizing any future beyond the dismal present they’re in. They have heard, seen, and felt nothing that would lead them to any different conclusion. The result is a lack of hope and souls that have been murdered or are on life support.

It’s not that the kids at CTCH have been through less trauma. They’re bright, but perhaps no more so than the other kids in foster care across the country. So, to what can we attribute the differences in the attitudes, behaviors, and choices they’re making for their futures?

The kids at Central Texas Children’s Home have been persuaded, or at least have dared to believe, that they are valuable children of God. They’ve been told that they are children of God. Because the good people at CTCH believe these foster children are valuable, they too have begun to believe, for the first time, that they have worth and value.

There is a stark difference in the eyes of kids who have hope. Their entire countenances are different. There is energy in their conversation and a bounce in their steps. But the childcare model of a married couple employed by the children’s home and living there full-time is all but gone. Labor laws have made it nearly impossible to maintain this old-fashioned model of care.

Many people equate foster care with this houseparent model; and although similar, the differences are significant. A houseparent’s full-time work is loving wounded kids into wholeness. The same ministry goal is true for Christian foster parents, but in many cases, foster parents have not made parenting their full-time vocation. Given the cost of maintaining their own housing, many simply cannot survive solely on foster parenting reimbursements. Many work outside the home, no different than many biological parents. I’m not condemning this, but making this distinction because my observation has been that the outcomes of kids loved into wholeness by Christian houseparents, who have made raising wounded kids their full-time ministry, appears to me to be far better than the outcomes of kids who exit the general population of secular foster care.

Make no mistake–there are wonderful foster parents all over the U.S. who genuinely love the foster kids in their care. Many have established permanent relationships with their foster children and have made them part of their families. Sadly, though, there are foster parents who are providing little more than room and board.

The prevailing wisdom is that foster children belong in a family. If all foster families provided loving homes where the root cause of behavior—feeling unwanted and unloved—was dealt with rather than imposing long lists of rules and corresponding punishments, I would agree wholeheartedly. Unfortunately, every family isn’t like that. So for all of my friends and colleagues who are ready to hammer me for lauding a group care facility, consider for a moment the injuries and deaths we’ve seen in foster homes over the past twenty years.

Consider also the measurable outcomes of kids in out-of-home placement in the U.S. By any measure, the system isn’t working well.  The “Midwest Study,”[1] which followed 600 kids for eight years after they exited foster care, painted a picture of dismal outcomes. The average annual income is $8,000, over 50% are homeless, and many exhibit criminal behavior. It’s no wonder that the International Center for Missing and Exploited Children reports that over 60% of the young people rescued from sex trafficking report having been in foster care. Unloved, unwanted, hopeless kids are “low hanging fruit” for traffickers who lure them through kindness and a sense of belonging in a “family.” The director of ICMEC, Ernie Allen, told me in a recent interview, “Vulnerable kids are lured in, and by the time they understand what they’ve gotten themselves into, it’s too late to walk away.”

In this Midwest Study there was no distinction made between kids who had been in Christian homes and those who had been in secular homes. I have no hard data on which to base my conclusions about the influence of Christ and His followers on foster kids. My assertions about positive outcomes of foster children who have Christian caregivers are purely anecdotal. It’s derived from over twenty-five years of evaluating risk factors of child welfare organizations. Based on my observations, my personal opinion is that Christ-centered child welfare organizations tend to produce young people who feel better about themselves, make better choices, get better results, and ultimately live productive lives.

All child welfare providers are challenged in this economy, but Central Texas Children’s Home is, perhaps, doubly challenged because their old-fashioned model of care is not supported by the government. CTCH relies solely on the financial support of Christians who understand the difference that Jesus makes in the life of wounded children.

May God bless, protect, and sustain the people of Central Texas Children’s Home, and all the Christians in child welfare, and may He raise up the children in their care to be the mighty men and women of God that He created them to be. To learn more about Central Texas Children’s Home or to partner with them to raise the children in their care, go to www.ctch.org.

[1] http://www.chapinhall.org/research/report/midwest-evaluation-adult-functioning-former-foster-youth

About the author: Rhonda Sciortino, author of Succeed Because of What You’ve Been Through, used the coping skills from an abusive childhood to start her own business and develop it, along with her other investments, into a multi-million dollar balance sheet. Through her writing, speaking, and media appearances, she shares how others can use the obstacles in their lives as stepping stones to a great future.

 

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