The way we communicate has changed so much in just the past few years. From my perspective, these changes are doing damage to personal relationships.

With Internet pop-up advertisements and the popularity of social networking, particularly Twitter and Facebook postings with their character limitations, it seems that our brains have been “trained” to assess communication in 10 seconds or less. This may be okay with pop-up advertisements, but it can be disastrous in personal relationships.

Maybe it’s just me, but it seems that in so many of my personal interactions with busy people, they listen for the first six seconds and then zone out or move on to some other thought that pops into their head, like a pop-up ad on their screen. The damage to personal relationships enters when a person is trying to communicate something that is very important or intimate to him or her, or when he or she is trying to verbally sort through feelings with a close friend. To fail to fully hear the person out and cut them off with a response that cannot possibly take into consideration all the details left unsaid, is to communicate loud and clear, “I don’t care what you were going to say. I don’t have time for you. I don’t care about you.”  As you can imagine in this scenario, the person trying to share intimate details, personal challenges, or some other important matter is not likely to try to communicate very many more times with the individual who fails to hear him or her out.

This is especially problematic for people like my friend who often pauses in the middle of a sentence to break eye contact, look up at no particular spot in a contemplative gaze, and gather her thoughts before finishing her sentence. I wonder if anyone in her life ever hears a complete sentence from her, much less a whole paragraph of thoughts. And I wonder how that makes her feel.

For years my communication style has been to lay the foundation of what I’m about to talk about, give the points in support of the issue, explain the issue, address possible disadvantages, and then request feedback. It’s a system. It isn’t perfect, but because I’m a non-linear thinker, it helps me to stay on point. In the last few years, though, I’ve noticed that in many of my interactions, I’ve lost the other person before I even get to the explanation of the issue! Before completing the thought, he or she responds with half-baked answers that are often miles from the mark of relevance. It seems that many interactions of this quality happen with people under age 30. So, I have a choice. I can surround myself with people of my generation, who remember how to communicate the way we did before Twitter, or I can learn to speak in concise sound bytes and use “teasers” that are like twitter headlines that entice the person to listen a little longer.

I’m going to try to learn to communicate all over again. I hope my friends will understand what remains unsaid.

I’d love to hear your communication tips.

Rhonda Sciortino

www.rhondasciortino.com 

I talk a lot about success. Many people have a tendency to immediately think that success equates to money, and lots of it.  But  QUALITY RELATIONSHIPS are the core of a successful life, so in this blog we’re going to focus on HOW to build good relationships.

Relationships 101.1:  Don’t take loved ones for granted. When you don’t have the time to hang out or talk, give a hug, send a note, or give a quick encouraging word.

Relationships 101.2:  Keep your promises. Breaking promises to the people closest to you because they’ll “understand” will eventually deteriorate even the strongest relationships.

Relationships 101.3:  Intentionally set aside time to spend with those you love. You don’t have to do anything spectacular or costly. Remember, there is no replacement for “face time.”

Relationships 101.4:  Deliberately change the channel of your mind from work or other responsibilities so that the time you spend with loved ones will not always be you “unloading or venting” on them or being preoccupied with other things. In other words, when you’re with loved ones, be WITH them—body and mind.

Relationships 101.5. At the speed of life, we often miss important clues about what’s going on with those closest to us. Intentionally create an environment where you and your loved ones can talk during chores or other mundane activities. For example, is there a place to sit in the kitchen while you’re preparing meals or in the garage when you’re at your workbench?  Or turn the television off and have a meal or take a walk together?

Relationships 101.6:  When you greet one another, SMILE, be cheerful, and be positive. If you fail to make this effort, your words may say, “Hello” while your face says, “I’m not happy to see you.”

Relationships 101.7:  When greeting your loved ones after work or school, ask what happened in their day. Ask children what they learned. It may take a few questions before they’ll open up—especially if this is new. The point here is to focus on others so that you do not walk through the door complaining about your day, completely unaware of what has happened in the lives of those you care most about.

Relationships 101.8:  A totally free, very simple, yet powerful way to improve your relationships is to find something good about each of your loved ones and point it out to him or her. Compliment the person and tell others about the talent or trait you admire. Stay away from non-specific compliments because they often sound disingenuous. Focus on skills, talents, and abilities. For example, “You are such a good listener,” and to others, “Lynne is such a good listener.”

Relationships 101.9:  Develop camaraderie by naming “our song” or a favorite movie, game, or some other activity that you and loved ones can claim as “your thing.”

Relationships 101.10:  Come up with fun nicknames for loved ones—make sure these are never demeaning in any way. Giving a playful pet name to loved ones that is especially between the two of you tends to endear you to one another and very importantly, it helps establish a positive identity for your loved one. If YOU don’t tell your loved ones who they are, they will form their self-image from other influences including TV, music, and friends.  For example, if you and your loved ones get in the kitchen together to create meals, you can label yourselves as “foodies,” with a pet name for each “foodie” being their signature or favorite dish.

Relationships 101.11:  Never, ever compare your loved one with anyone else. Each person is a unique individual with skills, talents, and abilities all his (her) own. Comparing only makes the person in the “one-down” position feel badly. And when people feel badly about themselves, they may find their self-esteem from some other inappropriate person or group.

Relationships 101.12:  DO NOT ASSUME that just because friends haven’t called, written, or texted you in a while that they are angry, disappointed, or don’t like you anymore. Everyone has her (his) own life and issues. Instead of jumping to the conclusion that friends are disrespecting you, reach out and ask what’s going on in their lives. They may be struggling and in need of a friend.

Relationships 101.13:  Do not get offended if you aren’t invited or included. It could be that the people getting together are doing so for a specific reason that is personal or has to do with someone you don’t know. It could simply be an oversight. Either way, assume the best of others rather than jumping to feelings of being unwanted or victimized.

Relationships 101.14:  Make the effort to do something kind for those closest to you. It doesn’t have to cost anything. A quick phone message that you’re thinking of him or her. A little note stuck in a lunchbox, a briefcase, or a shoe is a pleasant surprise and can be a tremendous encouragement.

Relationships 101.15:  Stop expecting those around you to meet your needs. That’s way too much responsibility for any other human. No one person can ever meet that enormous expectation. Most importantly, expecting others to make you happy and keep you “fixed” gives the “controller” for your happiness to someone else.

Relationships 101.16:  When someone does take care of you or meets a need, be thankful rather than expecting it to happen continuously. Take care of yourself and look around to see what needs of others that you can meet.

Relationships 101.17:  The people closest to you are going to let you down. They are going to hurt your feelings. Don’t be shocked when it happens. Recognize that bad behavior is a poorly stated question or statement that clearly telegraphs that something is wrong with them. Rather than “re-act” to bad behavior with hurt or anger, ask what happened that triggered it. I’m not suggesting that you always overlook bad behavior without taking some action to prevent it from happening again. But there are times to ignore it and to pretend that the hurtful thing was never said or done.

Relationships 101.18:  When you are in relationship with someone who consistently hurts or uses you and who does not have your best interests at heart, you must take steps to distance yourself or end the relationship entirely. Know when to educate the person, when to confront, when to draw boundaries, and when to step away entirely.

Relationships 101.19:  Don’t rush to judgment about someone close to you despite whatever “evidence” there may be of wrongdoing. Always reserve judgment until you give the person an opportunity to explain. Remember that even the worst transgression is driven by some deficit in the other person. Ask yourself if the deficit can be filled, if you have the power to fill it, or if you have the grace and mercy to overlook it.

Relationships 101.20:  When you’ve done or said something that was wrong or hurtful to someone, say you’re sorry and mean it. Those two words may not “fix” everything, but accepting responsibility and offering a genuine apology is a good start toward restoring the relationship.

Relationships 101.21:  You can improve your relationships greatly by communicating clearly what you like and don’t like about the behavior of others. Here’s an example of reinforcing positive behavior:  “When you take the trash out, it makes me feel so proud of you for doing your part to keep this house running well.”  Here’s an example for helping to change negative behavior:  “When you yell at me, it makes me feel bad because in good relationships people don’t yell at one another.”

Relationships 101.22:  You have the power to bring out the best in the people around you by finding something good about them and complimenting them about this and sharing it with others. For example, “I really appreciate how you put your things out of the way of the door so that no one trips over it.”  Sometimes you have to dig deep to find something to compliment; but as you do this, the people will begin to value themselves, and their behavior will line up with their new self-image.

Relationships 101.23:  Help people around you rise to a new level by helping them see themselves in a better light. For example, ask questions of those around you:“What would you change about our town if you were mayor?”  “Can you imagine what it would be like to be a teacher?”  “What do you think it would feel like to be an attorney winning a big case?”  You can ask these things as you drive past city hall, a school, or the courthouse. Questions automatically get people thinking in the direction of the inquiry. Ask good questions to stimulate good thoughts.

Relationships 101.24:  Involve your loved ones in helping others. For example, call around to homeless shelters, convalescent hospitals, or transitional homes and get permission to give the residents something, such as a cheerful poster or lasagna and cheese bread. Then create these things and deliver them together. Or get everyone to donate a gently-used item to a local charity. Include small children by asking them to give up one of their toys. Call around and find three charities that are accepting donations; then ask your group to vote for the organization to receive these donations. In this way, everyone is engaged in the giving. When we give to others, we feel better about ourselves.

Relationships 101.25:  We all feel better when we feel successful. So set your loved ones up for success. You can do this by assigning an important task to them, giving clear explanations and responsibilities, helping where needed (without taking over), and then celebrating the success. For example, assign the task of making lunch to a different family member every Sunday. Where children are involved, make the suggested lunch age-appropriate, such as making sandwiches rather than preparing something involving the stove. Events where one person is celebrated for what they’ve prepared can become a family tradition carried on for years. Traditions lend to a sense of belonging. Start this week facilitating successes for others.

Relationships 101.26:  Encourage others with a word or a note. You can carry little blank cards or Post-it notes with you and write notes when you see an opportunity to encourage someone. An example would be: “I was having a rough day, but then I saw you. YOU made me smile.”  “I appreciate that when I ask fpr your opinion, you give me your honest thoughts. A real friend tells the truth—thank you.”  “Thank you for your kindness.”  Do this and you’ll both be uplifted.

Relationships 101.27:  When someone you care about tells you about their day or about something that is troubling them, put down the cell phone, mute or turn off the television, focus your eyes on their eyes, and deliberately and intentionally listen without interrupting. Hear them out fully. Simply hearing others out fully without jumping to a conclusion or cutting them off will improve your relationships exponentially. If you have trouble with this, consider that the people you’re watching on television are NOT your personal friends. They don’t know you and don’t care about you. The people you’re texting are probably not closer to you than the loved one who needs your attention and concern at that moment. Prioritize your relationships with eye contact and active listening, and you will greatly improve your life!

Relationships 101.28:  Create a memory book with the children in your life. Get out the photographs and saved school papers; add the child’s drawings and poems. Add items to the memory book with every tradition you create or event you experienced. You can also create a section for “dreams” by cutting pictures out of magazines of places you want to visit and things you want to do. If younger children are involved, spread a sheet or towel underneath to protect the table, but don’t worry about blobs of glue or other messes on the book. That will be part of the charm of it in later years. You can also do this with notes and cards from friends. When you’re down emotionally, pull out the book with all those sentiments and look at it to lift your spirits.

Relationships 101.29:  When the people closest to you aren’t behaving well, rather than immediately moving to hurt and anger, consider that people let their frustrations out around those they trust and feel safest with. Ask what’s going on with him or her, and then listen. The real reason may not come out right away. It may be the last on a long list of things. Hearing the person out fully will go a long way toward better behavior in the future.

Relationships 101.30:  When there are things your loved ones have asked you to do, make time to do those things. DOING shows love in a way that words never can. The tasks may seem insignificant to you, but they could mean a lot to your loved ones.

Relationships 101.31:  Create activities for the whole family to do together. This could be as simple as preparing and eating a meal together or as involved as starting and working a business together. Imagine the feeling of satisfaction and all the life lessons that could be learned by finding a great muffin or cupcake recipe, baking, packaging, and then selling them at nearby businesses, then celebrating your success together. If even the youngest child has a job (putting a sticker on the cellophane that wraps the muffin), everyone gets the satisfaction of having accomplished something and of being a valuable part of the team.

The true measure of a person’s success is the quality of his or her relationships.  I wish you outrageous success!  I’d love to hear some of your ideas for creating and developing quality relationships.

Rhonda

www.rhondasciortino.com

YOU are the only one who can succeed for you.  This is your responsibility. No one can do this for you. No one can make you happy. No one human can meet all your needs.  Your peace, joy, and financial stability are your responsibility.  Give yourself permission to use your imagination (you know, the one that’s been packed away since you were a child), and use that ability to imagine, along with your ability to think, reason, and create, to find and fulfill the perfect plan for your life.  The following steps will help you find that perfect plan.  And when you find it, you’ll find all five points of true prosperity.  Onward!

Strategic life plan step #1:  Consider what you’ve accomplished this past year.  Give yourself credit for the strides you made and for the good you contributed to the lives of others.

Strategic Life Plan Step #2: Consider the “game changing” moments of the past year.  What happened that influenced your life?  What good has or can come out of those experiences? And don’t say, “nothing,” because good can always eventually come out of adversity and pain. Think, reach, and you’ll find it.

Strategic Life Plan Step #3: Following yesterday’s exercise, take some time to consider the “game changing” moments of your life–good and bad. What good has or can come of them? Example, are you (or could you be) stronger, more resourceful, more resilient, more patient, etc., than you would have been without having those experiences? Do not let any pain go to waste. Be sure to do this exercise because it’s an integral part of your 2012 Strategic Life Plan.

Strategic Life Plan Step #4: What are you good at?  Remember that some talents are more subtle than others.  For example, are you a good listener?  Are you compassionate?  Are you someone who can plow through red tape to get a complicated mess straightened out?  Name at least 3 things that you are good at.

Strategic Life Plan Step #5: What’s holding you back?  Regrets from the past?  What you’ve done?  What you failed to do or could have done differently?  IT’S OVER. Progress is impeded greatly by holding onto the past.  You absolutely must let it go.  Mentally exchange feelings of regret for peace and move forward.

Strategic Life Plan Step #6: What really bothers you?  Whatever issue really grieves you, is an issue that you are supposed to do something about.  “Doing” may involve educating, motivating, or inspiring others to do something.  What core issue(s) do you want to impact?

Strategic Life Plan Step #7:  What negative words or words have been spoken to you or about you?  Intentionally declare positive statements over yourself.  For example, someone in my previous life used to call me a “scatterbrain.”  I have countered the criticism by saying, “my non-linear thinking enables me to find creative solutions to problems.”

Strategic Life Plan Step #8:  What skills, talents, or abilities are you lacking in?  Rather than spending time shoring up these weaknesses, invest time only in improving those areas that may be holding you back from excelling in the area of your strengths.  Identify any weaknesses that need to be strengthened and accept the reality of the others with a smile.

Strategic Life Plan Step #9:  Consider all the various jobs you are aware of.  What work is the most interesting to you and why?  Be honest with yourself as you imagine yourself doing that work.  Would you enjoy the power that comes with that position?  The interactions with others?  The ability to express your creativity?  The rewarding feeling of knowing you’re helping someone else?  Be specific about what appeals to you.

Strategic Life Plan Step #10:  Now that you’ve considered the enjoyable aspects of the jobs that interest you, consider the downside.  Realistically, what would the typical day look like?  Consider the stress, hours required, commute, and any other potential factors.  Would this career be worth it?  If not, do the same with the next hypothetical job.  If you aren’t aware of the downside, try to find blogs from people doing that work for a glimpse into their lives.

Strategic Life Plan Step #11:  Take a brutally honest look at your attitude. Do you eagerly anticipate good things happening?  Are you cautiously optimistic?  Or do you, dread what bad thing might happen next?  When one thing after the next doesn’t go as we’d hoped, it’s easy to lower your expectations.  If this is the case with you, intentionally raise your hopes.  You’re still breathing, so you’re still in the game.  YOU are your “game changer!”

Strategic Life Plan Step #12:  How do you help others? Is it through listening? Acts of service? Companionship? Encouragement? Advice? What good do you almost without thinking?

Strategic Life Plan Step #13:  What are you passionate about?

Strategic Life Plan Step #14:  What do you know for sure?

Strategic Life Plan Step #15:  If you could help people, what would that look like? How would you do it?

Strategic Life Plan Step #16:  Read and evaluate every response you’ve given over the past 15 days, and see if you can come up with your personal mission statement. For years mine was to help people and organizations that help kids and families.  But for 2012, I’ve broadened it to helping others create their own success. Once you have your mission statement, do and say only things that line up with your person mission.  If an activity doesn’t line up, don’t do it!

Strategic Life Plan Step #17:  Your personal mission statement is like the destination programmed into a navigational machine. Get in your head and heart that you WILL fulfill your mission.  Live it by doing and saying only things that line up with your person mission.  If an activity doesn’t line up, don’t do it!

Strategic Life Plan Step #18:  Consider every area of your life–your work, volunteering, community involvement, relationships, etc.  If you’re involved in anything that does not line up with your personal mission, discontinue it.  If you’re committed to it, make plans to transition out in a responsible way.

Strategic Life Plan Step #19:  Can you see yourself living your personal mission statement?  You must be able to visualize it before you’ll take steps to make it a reality in your life.  For example, I had to see myself as a business owner to develop the courage to leave my job to become a business owner.  Even if you have no idea what your life will really look like, let your imagination run free with possibilities.

Strategic Life Plan Step #20:  Find people who are doing something that appears to fulfill your mission (search the internet if you have to). Could you do that work or a variation of that?  Could you do something in support of that work?  What would that look like.  Strip the limitations off your thinking and give yourself permission to daydream.

Strategic Life Plan Step #21:  At this stage in the life planning process, many people get discouraged because they can see no possible way for their emerging dream to become reality.  Be careful not to jump to the conclusion of impossibility.  This is where belief in yourself and faith in God come in.  There IS a plan for your life.  It’s your job to find it and do the work necessary to fulfill it.  When you do what you can and give God permission to step in, He will do what you cannot.

Strategic Life Plan Step #22:  Name at least three ACTIONS that you can take to begin to move in the direction of your life mission.  Do not consider limitations at this time–for example, don’t say things like, “I just don’t have time.  I don’t know how to start.  I need someone to point me in the right direction.”  Ask God to show you the 3 actions. If you’re not a believer, imagine that some wise mentor is giving you advice about living out your personal mission statement.  What would that person say?

Strategic Life Plan Step #23:  OK NOW is the time to list all the limitations you believe hold you back from taking the first steps toward fulfillment of your personal mission.  Here are some that used to hold me back: I don’t belong.  I’m not invited or welcomed.  I’ll be interfering.  I’m not qualified.  I don’t have the right education.  Some I’ve heard from others are, I’m ugly.  I’m too big.  I’m not smart enough.  I don’t have enough money.  It’ll never work.  We’re going to deal with each of your perceived limitations in the following days.

Strategic Life Plan Step #24:  Now, let’s take those limitations apart.  Imagine that you’re going over each of your perceived limitations with a trusted mentor.  What would your mentor say about each one?  Is the limitation real or imagined?  Remember that the last time you considered the limitation it may have been real, but is now no longer a relevant factor.

Strategic Life Plan Step #25:  If you’ve done the steps preceding this one, you should be able to dismiss false limitations, being left with only those which truly do prevent you from fulfilling your personal mission.  So, let’s take a look at one of the most common road blocks, financial lack.  SPECIFICALLY, what would you do to fulfill your mission if money were not a factor?

Strategic Life Plan Step #26:  Answer yesterday’s question with whatever your limitations are in place of the word, “money.” Don’t dismiss this.  Use your imagination.  It may be rusty, but there was a time as a child when you could easily imagine something outrageous.  Too many of us were shot down by others and shut down our imaginations.  Reach deep.  Find that ability within yourself, and imagine what you would do without the limitations you listed in step #23.

Strategic Life Plan Step #27:  Don’t allow anyone or anything to steal your ability to imagine good things.  Imagining bad things is effortless, like water flowing downhill.  So we must intentionally counter this negative imagining, which is worry and fear, with what I call, Positive Imaginings, which is the action of child-like imagining of good things in your future.

Strategic Life Plan Step #28:  While doing your Positive Imagining of your desired end result, go back to the three actions you named in Step #22 and assign a timeline to accomplishing those three actions.  If those actions are complicated, break them down into smaller steps and assign a reasonable timeline to each step. Remember the old (TRUE) adage:  what gets written gets done.

Strategic Life Plan Step #29:  Spend time every day doing your Positive Imagining.  Be careful who you share this with, if anyone.  Even well meaning people can discourage a goal that they don’t understand or are unable to imagine as reality.

Strategic Life Plan Step #30:  When the first steps toward your imagined reality as complete, set three more steps that must be taken to move forward.  Keep doing this as many times as it takes to get to your desired goal–all the while continuing your Positive Imaginings. And do not allow others in your life, who are not pursuing success, discourage you.  Have the courage to take the steps necessary to fulfill your purpose and have everything that comes along with it.

Strategic Life Plan Step #31:  Keep these steps and all your answers so that you can review them next December.  This strategic life plan should be done every year so that new information and developments can be incorporated into it.  If you’ve completed all these steps, congratulate yourself.  You are well on your way to your new reality.  If you have not, print this off of my blog, which will be posted tomorrow, and work the steps.  It’s never too late to take the first steps to positive life change.

I want to hear about your successes.

Rhonda Sciortino

Most people have no idea what a power-packed little phrase, “God bless you” can be. If they did, they would say it with feeling to everyone they meet!  We have no problem saying this to people who are kind and generous and deserve to be blessed, but we should be saying this to people who have hurt us, to people who cut us off in traffic, and to people in our lives who just don’t seem to “get it.”

You see, “God bless you” isn’t simply something to say when someone sneezes or as an empty wish that God will give you what you want in life. It’s a prayer to the Creator of the Universe to provide specifically what that person needs.

Only God knows the true needs that align with His perfect purpose for a person’s life. For example, God knows who needs to be delivered from addiction. He knows who doesn’t have enough money to pay their rent or to feed their children. He knows who has a life-threatening disease in his or her body, a disease the person may not even yet be aware of. He knows who needs to stop an adulterous affair or any other bad choice. He knows how to make arrangements to inhibit the ability to make wrong choices.  And He knows who needs reward for living a quiet life of goodness.

Our true needs may be very different from what is visible even to ourselves. But God knows what we need. So when we ask God to bless someone, we’re asking Him to meet his or her true needs, whatever those needs may be. “God bless you” implies that we’re asking God to protect, heal, love, prosper, restore, feed, house, employ, and attract quality relationships to the person for whom we offer the prayer.

There have been times in the course of my work in the area of helping people and organizations that help abused children when I have come face-to-face with someone who has heinously abused a child. There’s a fire that’s usually smoldering deep inside of me about the injustice of harming a helpless child. And on those occasions when I meet someone who has abused a child, that fire explodes into a barely controlled blaze. It’s as though there’s a vigilante inside of me who wants the opportunity to even the score with the abuser. Since learning this truth about this simple but powerful prayer, I have learned to say, “God bless you,” even to those people who light up my white-hot passion to seek justice.

God knows why we do the wrong things we do. For example, He knows who abuses because they were abused. God didn’t create pedophiles and other abusers; pure evil did that. But God knows what it will take to rehabilitate and restore even those we consider “un-rehabilitatable.” If this is true for perpetrators of the most heinous crimes, it’s true for the people in our lives who are selfish, self-centered, rude, demanding, or just simply don’t know any better. In every case, with every person, I trust that God knows what He’s doing and that He has the power to do it. So I say, “God bless you,” and I release my faith for God to do what’s necessary to bring His perfect blessings, whatever they may be, into the lives of the people for whom I offer this quick, powerful prayer.

God Bless YOU!

Rhonda Sciortino   www.rhondasciortino.com

I was abandoned as a 6 month old, and spent the first 16 years of my life as what was referred to in the 60’s and 70’s as a “ward of the court.”  Most of those years were spent in the care of a mentally ill man and an addicted woman in a bizarre, chaotic environment.  I’ll tell you just enough to give you a glimpse into just how bizarre it was… I was disciplined with a skillet of hot oil when I was four years old, punched in the face from as early as I can remember, and burned with cigarettes throughout my childhood.

The people who were supposed to care for me tried to teach me that there was no God and that anyone who believed there was, was surely an idiot.  That the government owed us money, food, and medical care because we were poor.  (Of course no mention was made of the fact that we were poor because, although able-bodied, neither of them wanted to work.)  They taught through their conduct that the biggest, loudest, and strongest one in any conflict wins, and that not taking a bath for months, buying drugs from the neighbor next door, and spending money on cigarettes in lieu of food was totally normal.

I spent my last night on a mattress on the floor of the little closet in that filthy shack on the day I was granted emancipation (age 16), but getting the craziness of that nuthouse out of me took much longer.  In fact, I not only had to learn right from wrong, I had to “unlearn” all the twisted things those people had raised me to believe.

How does one “unlearn” beliefs that are deeply ingrained due to lessons and lifestyles that began before one was even verbal?  We can learn a great deal from books and committed teachers, but the way we get new, quality, substantive information from our heads into our character  and incorporated into our lives is through relationship with people who model appropriate behaviors and teach us with their words and their actions how to do the same.  This is mentoring.

There are many good organizations in the US that exist to help facilitate mentoring relationships, but many attempt to blindly match a mentor with a child without first establishing relationship.  Sometimes relationships are developed and maintained, but sadly, many don’t last.   This kind of matching is akin to marrying someone on the first date.  People receive advice and correction from people they are in relationship with.  In fact, the level at which we can bring wisdom and correction is directly tied to the depth of the relationship.

I support Teen Leadership Foundation for three reasons:

1)  They introduce young people who have been abandoned and abused to the Only One who will never leave them, Jesus.

2)  They create a space for relationships to be established rather than randomly matching mentors and teens.

3)  They do all this within the context of a brilliant organizational model with an extremely low overhead.  This is valuable because money donated goes directly into costs of taking kids to camp in the summer–the place where relationships are established.  All the mentors are volunteers, meaning they want to be there.  Kids know when people are being paid for their concern, and who is there simply because they want to be.

I know that mentoring works.  I learned the office skills that led to my first job (which was the primary prerequisite for my emancipation) from a mentor.  I learned about insurance (the subject of that first job–and 36 years of work since then) from mentors.  I learned about child welfare and how to best protect child caring providers from mentors.  I learned what good relationships look and feel like from mentors.  I learned about Jesus from foster parents and mentors.  I learned to focus on my strengths and to quit beating myself up over my weaknesses from mentors.

Now I’m trying to be a mentor for others to “pay forward” all the good that was invested in me.  In my blog article, Business Sense Tips–the real truth, I give common sense tips that will help others become successful in business.  One example is Business Sense Tip #13:  Most people avoid unnecessary conflict in their lives. They won’t take the time to tell you the truth about what you’re wearing or something you’ve said or done that put you in a bad light. So, if you want to be successful, imagine having a mentor or coach standing next to you giving advice on what to wear, how to act, and what to say. Then follow that good advice.

Rather than imagining a mentor giving good advice to teens who are preparing to age out of the foster care system, Teen Leadership Foundation provides a real friend to give that good advice that can make the difference in the life of a kid who feels unwanted and unloved.  Love, spelled r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p, truly does conquer all.

Please support Teen Leadership Foundation today, become a TLF volunteer mentor, or start a TLF in your community.

I’d love to hear your mentoring stories.

Rhonda Sciortino

www.rhondasciortino.com

When I was 27, my doctor found cancer—again. After surgery, I returned home alone–again. As I lay there with no TV or radio, I had a lot of quiet time to think. I thought about what I wanted to do with my life, what my life was like, and what I wanted it to be like. There was a huge gap between where I was and where I wanted to be. At that point, I didn’t know if the cancer would come back yet again or if the headaches I suffered through were ever going to end.

I wasn’t a praying person in those days, other than a cursory acknowledgement of God, and I certainly didn’t see Him or hear Him. But in the quiet of my room, I got an idea that was so strong and so clear that I had absolutely no doubt that I was supposed to make that idea a reality—although I had no idea how to do it. What was that idea? Having my own business of insuring organizations that care for abused kids.

As an insurance broker, I had helped insure a few group homes, and it was the most rewarding work I’d ever done. In months prior, I had presented to my bosses the concept of a separate division of their company dedicated solely to protecting only homes for abused kids. They summarily dismissed my proposal. But I just couldn’t let go of the desire to help the good people who were caring for children who had been abused. Laying there in the still quiet of my room following surgery, I knew I had to quit my job of six and a half years and start my own company.

I didn’t know the first thing about running a company. I didn’t know how to get the business license, start a new corporation, obtain the entity’s insurance license, negotiate for the office space I needed, or purchase the necessary equipment. I didn’t know how to keep the accounting books or get appointed to do business with the right insurance companies. I didn’t know how to do any of the myriad other things that one must do to be a properly accredited, fully functioning insurance brokerage. But none of that deterred me.

On my first day back to work after surgery, I gave my notice and listened as my boss literally laughed in my face while he ticked off each item on the long list of all the things I didn’t know how to do in order to run a business. He told me that he might consider giving me my job back after I fell on my face. I smiled and thanked him for all I’d learned and for the opportunity his company had provided, but inside I was saying, “You don’t even know me… I will wash dishes and scrub toilets before crawling back in here to ask you for a job.”

That day was the end of a comfortable job with a steady paycheck, health insurance, clients I’d known for years, co-workers who were friends and, most important to me then, the secure feeling of belonging somewhere. There was no other place in my life where I would be missed if I didn’t arrive. There was no family who would call if I didn’t show up. There was no one to come looking for me if I was on the side of the road somewhere.

As comforting as that sense of belonging was, the idea that wouldn’t let me rest was more compelling. I had to move forward, and failure wasn’t an option. I never even considered that it might not work. And within the first two and a half years of my new business, I had over 20% market penetration in my target demographic.

Through the years that I worked to protect organizations that provided care for abused children, I negotiated an exclusive workers’ compensation group, developed two package insurance programs, and invested tremendous time and money in creating a captive insurance company that I hoped would eventually be a source of secure protection and dividends for child welfare organizations. The programs we developed saved literally millions of dollars in insurance premiums for our clients. It was so rewarding for me to know that every dollar that I helped save on insurance premiums was a dollar that could be spent on children.

There were many setbacks, including the destruction of that captive insurance company that I thought would take my business to the next level—it was housed in World Trade Center Tower II on 9/11/01.  Despite the nearly overwhelming challenges and setbacks through the years, I experienced the incomparable feeling of knowing that my work helped people and organizations that help abused children.

I’ve never regretted that seemingly reckless and irresponsible move to leave a good, stable job to start my own business. I’ve sold that business to Markel Insurance Company and now serve as their National Child Welfare Specialist. My life has been immeasurably blessed in every conceivable area because I made the decision to follow that big idea with reckless abandon.

So what’s your “big idea”? Find your passion, figure out how to turn it into a business, throw yourself into it with reckless abandon, and refuse to look back.

I’d love to hear from you.

Rhonda Sciortino

www.rhondasciortino.com

When I was seven years old, I was labeled “unadoptable” by my county social worker. That was the day that my worst fears of never being rescued actually came true. I remember thinking, “It’s official. I am unwanted and unloved.”

What prompted that label was a meeting with two ladies who came to meet me. Both ladies were warm and friendly. I learned quickly that these two ladies were sisters. They were nicely dressed, smelled good, and had driven up in a big, shiny car. So far, so good.

I was told that one of the ladies was hoping to adopt a daughter. I don’t remember exactly what she looked like, but I remember that her warm eyes and her friendly smile “matched,” unlike the evil eyes and scary smile of the mentally ill man who was my guardian. He was anything but warm and friendly.

The ladies talked to me, and I gave the conversation everything I had. I knew that they had the power to rescue me, even though I didn’t understand all of the details and dynamics. I did my best to be cute and smart. I tried to make them laugh. I told them about my good grades in school and about the chores I did around the house. I couldn’t have articulated it then, but I realize now that I was doing everything I knew to do to earn acceptance, belonging, and love.

In the end, they got in their nice car and drove away and never came back.

I waited until my seven-year-old heart couldn’t wait any longer, and I then asked when I was going to go with “those ladies.” I was told that my mother could not be found to sign the papers, so the deal was off. I don’t know if that was true or not, but I do know that my grandparents counted on the $60 per month plus food stamps that they received as a result of me being in their custody. I’ve sometimes wondered if my grandmother said or did something to influence the outcome of that meeting. She’s been gone for many years, so I’ll never know. For me, it was another rejection on top of the many I’d experienced before.

I haven’t thought about this in years, but this week I met a man who told me that he and his wife adopted a little boy and girl from the foster care system. The children had been adopted before by another family, but they were sent back to the “system.” Can you imagine? Rejection and abandonment after more rejection and abandonment.

The good news is that eventually these two kids will know that the couple who adopted them intentionally chose THEM. Rather than go through thousands of dollars in fertility treatments, this family chose to pour their love into two abandoned, rejected siblings.

I know from personal experience that love heals even the deepest wounds, and that through love brokenness becomes wholeness regardless of your age or the number of times you’ve been abandoned or rejected.  Love really does conquer all. I’m grateful for the people who made the effort to love me into wholeness (you know who you are).  And I’m grateful for everyone who adopts a child from the foster care system.

What are you grateful for?

Rhonda Sciortino

www.rhondasciortino.com

Common Sense Tip #1: DO NOT be influenced by the people in your life to do something you know isn’t right. You’re strong enough to say no.

Common Sense Tip #2: LISTEN MORE THAN YOU TALK. You won’t believe how much you will learn and what opportunities are available when you just pay attention. When you develop a reputation for being a good listener, your relationships will improve too!

Common Sense Tip #3: Do NOT argue. Listen to the other person. If they’re wrong, educate them. If they are not persuaded, agree to disagree. Why waste your valuable time arguing? Besides, it could be that there is more to the issue than you are aware of.

Common Sense Tip #4: Empathize with others. This means that before we take offense or judge the words or actions of another, we must take the time to consider what they’re going through and where their head is at the time. Are they hurt? Grieving? Have they been wronged?

Common Sense Tip #5: To be liked and respected, you simply have to do these three things consistently: Be forgiving. Be kind. Be truthful. Period. It isn’t always easy, but it is simple. Decide to start today. Once you’ve incorporated these traits into your life, you’ll never want to live any other way.

Common Sense Tip #6: Take care of yourself. I know this is cliche, but it’s true that you cannot fully accomplish much if you’re not healthy. So start today to drink water, eat fresh foods, and move more. Don’t make excuses. Just do it. I did, and lost over 30 pounds.

Common Sense Tip #7: Be reliable. Don’t agree to be somewhere or do something and then change your mind. Even if you don’t feel like doing it when the time comes, be a person of your word and follow through. Your ability to exercise self-control in this manner will earn you respect and opportunities.

Common Sense Tip #8: Don’t do anything that you wouldn’t want to appear on facebook. Be the person you want to be in public and in private. Being the same person with every set of people in your life (friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc.) builds character. Character is necessary for true success.

Common Sense Tip #9: Manage your expectations so you don’t go from one disappointment to the next. That doesn’t mean to not be hopeful for good things, but it does mean that people are going to occasionally let you down. Don’t let these minor bumps in the road destroy your good attitude.

Common Sense Tip #10: Learn to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. For example, instead of joking or making a snide remark about what someone is wearing, intentionally replace that thought with a compliment about the person’s character. Find something good to focus on.

Common Sense Tip #11: WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE? We all have myriad reasons why we don’t take the steps necessary to change our lives. Too busy, not enough money, etc. I wrote my first book from 5-7 a.m. every morning for 3 years before starting work. Others have gone to school at night for years to get their degree. If you want it bad enough, you’ll figure it out.

Common Sense Tip #12:  To create, first think up an idea, then speak of your idea, then act on it. The 1st step in creating a business, composing a song, or planning a party is to have an idea.  2nd, speak of it (plan).  3rd, take steps to make it happen.  Think, speak, do.  What are you waiting for?

Common Sense Tip #13:  Think about what you’re thinking about.  Change negative thoughts like you change the channel on TV.  Changing your mind is “Thought Management,” and successful people do it.  Train yourself now and eventually it’ll be come automatic.

Common Sense Tip #14:  Never mistake silence for agreement.  While some unload every thought that pops into their heads, others listen and nod. The listeners may be thinking, “what an idiot” or “you’re dead wrong” or “no way I’m going out with you” but don’t give voice to those thoughts.  Never assume that you know what a listener is thinking.

Common Sense Tip #15: Before you can reach your goals, you MUST know the specific goal. Step 1: Get clear on what you really want. Step 2: determine what’s necessary to get it. Step 3: decide if you’re willing to pay the price necessary to have your goal. If not, go back to step 1.

Common Sense Tip #16:  As simple as this sounds, you can improve your day and your life if you will get in the habit of smiling.  Most of us go through life with a blank look or a scowl on our faces. A smile attracts opportunities for friendship and business.  It costs nothing.  SMILE.

Common Sense Tip #17: Make sure your actions in every area of your life consistently reflect your core values. For example, if you believe that honesty is a core value, don’t lie. Period.

Common Sense Tip #18:  Delay your response to upsetting situations.  When you are angry or disappointed, DO NOT communicate with the person who upset or disappointed you until you’ve given yourself time to calm down and see all sides of the situation.  Even then, give others the benefit of any remaining doubt.

Common Sense Tip #19:  Gratitude is a “secret password.”  Gratitude lifts your mood, alleviates depression, and literally makes you more attractive.  If you feel you have nothing to be grateful for, you’re taking a lot for granted.  Start by listing your eyesight and ability to read this and go from there.

Common Sense Tip #20: Be the person in your world who makes others feel wanted.  Many people (sometimes the grouchiest among us) feel unwanted and unloved.  You can change the world around you by commenting on what you value about others and by asking them how they’re doing.  It costs nothing, but can mean everything.

Common Sense Tip #21: Get up at least 15 minutes before you have to. Leave for appointments a few minutes before necessary. Those little chunks of time will help you avoid some of the pressure of the day. It costs nothing and can make a huge difference in the quality of your life.

Common Sense Tip #22: PREPARE yourself for your big break. Have a 30-second speech ready. Have your best outfit ready. Get up every morning and get ready with eager anticipation of the good that is on it’s way to you–even if nothing is on your calendar.

Common Sense Tip #23:  Mr. Tom Monaghan, billionaire founder of Dominoes Pizza, challenged me to ask myself, “what’s the most important thing I can be doing?”  His answer was that with all the good things a person can do in this life, the most important thing is to help others choose eternity in Heaven rather than hell.  So, accept your free ticket from Jesus, and let’s get to collaborating with Him on an awesome life!

Common Sense Tip #24:  Don’t allow a silly thing like not being able to find your keys make you late.  Keep your keys, and other necessities, in exactly the same place every day so you won’t waste a moment of time that could result in you being the runner up rather than the one with the opportunity.

Common Sense Tip #25: List your natural abilities. Now, review the list.  Are you using your abilities on a regular basis.  If not, figure out what you can do to use them.  WHAT YOU ARE ABLE TO DO, YOU WERE CREATED TO DO.  When you do what you’re gifted at, you will earn success in every area of your life.

Common Sense Tip #26: Recognize that everything does NOT have to go your way. Choose your battles for the times when bad results will be consequential. Smile and let everything else go. The peace you will have in your life is much more valuable than temporary victories.

Common Sense Tip #27: Before committing to anything (including a job, a marriage, or any other monumental commitment), be sure you are clear on the expectations of the person(s) or company involved. Clear expectations ahead of time, helps avoid conflict later.  This is proactive peace-keeping.

Common Sense Tip #28:  Use caution when revealing personal information.  Too many people share information about their intimate relationships, what medication they take, diagnosis they’ve been given, etc. with people who may not be true friends.  Remember that what you share in confidence could wind up on Facebook, thereby eliminating possible opportunities.

Common Sense Tip #29: Do not overcommit. Promising more than what we’re physically, emotionally, and financially able to do is an enormous source of unnecessary stress. Before you promise to do anything, check that activity against your life’s mission statement. If it fits, do it. If it doesn’t, then politely decline.

Rather than going out and buying way too many gifts for kids who rip through them and look around for more, or spending way too much on gifts for people whom you don’t see the rest of the year, consider a simpler Christmas this year.

Talk to the people on your list, including the children in your life, and let them know that you are exercising wisdom this year by setting a total Christmas spending limit. Explain that you refuse to go into debt and that, regardless of what you’ve done in the past, this is the year you’re no longer going to express love by the dollar amount of your gifts. You may wish to challenge the people closest to you to find “the perfect gift” for $25 or less. The lower the limit, the more effort and creativity it takes to find a relevant gift. This challenge can be one of the most fun aspects of the season.

A heartfelt message is the perfect gift for people outside your sphere of immediate family and friends. Think about it—many gifts wind up on a shelf or in a drawer; but kind, encouraging, loving words last forever and can be recalled instantly when needed the most. I have many beautiful cards from friends that I pull out and re-read when I need encouragement.

So, how can you turn a heartfelt message into an appropriate gift? Consider these inexpensive and precious keepsakes:

1. A personalized Christmas card or letter can suffice for those toward the end of your list.
2. An enclosure in that card or letter of a small gesture or symbolic gift can be included for those slightly higher up on your list. For example,
3. A homemade “gift certificate” redeemable for a free lunch, a shoulder massage, or one hour of undivided attention
4. A small package of seeds to symbolize your wishes for a great harvest in the recipient’s life in the coming year or to thank that person for the “seeds” they’ve planted in your life
5. A grocery store, Starbucks, or fast food gift card
6. Your prayer, good wishes, or list of the recipient’s great qualities printed on hard-stock paper (similar to a business card) that the recipient can carry with them throughout the year
7. A note indicating that you’ve made a donation in the person’s name to a charity
8. For those even higher up on your list (closer to you), consider creating a photo album or photo book filled with pictures they’ll appreciate
9. If you are talented with photo editing, consider putting your recipient’s face on a stock photo of someone doing the activities your recipient desires to do. For example, if your recipient strives to graduate, encourage him or her by creating a customized “photo” by copying and pasting his or her face on a person dressed in cap and gown with diploma in hand. If your recipient strives to be an executive, put his or her face on the photo of a business person. If he or she hopes to open a restaurant, put his or her face on photos of restaurateurs. You get the idea
10. Personalized mugs, blankets, and notebooks with the recipients’ names on them or a personalized list of what’s wonderful about them are gifts that will be used throughout the year
11. A personalized statement or an encouraging quote printed on nice paper and centered in an attractive frame will be valued for years
12. A basket filled with a game, hot chocolate mix, and mugs or any other combination of things your recipient will use

You can avoid awkward situations by agreeing ahead of time with extended family, neighbors, co-workers, and friends you rarely see that rather than spending money on each other this year, you will exchange good wishes and kind comments, which are gifts that last forever.

Let’s all enjoy this season by giving the priceless gift of love, the most precious gift of all.

Please share your ideas for a simpler Christmas.

Rhonda Sciortino

www.rhondasciortino.com

www.rhondasradioshow.com

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www.youtube.com/rhondasciortino

Yesterday within a matter of about 30 minutes, two different people in two different settings literally turned their back on me and walked away while I was speaking to them.  The first time, I was pointing out to someone that a package had been delivered to her door of which she was unaware.  The person thanked me, but promptly turned her attention back to the person she was with.  Shortly thereafter, I ran into an acquaintance as I was walking to my car.  I stopped, called her by name, and asked how she was doing?  She smiled and kept going as though she hadn’t heard me.

When I was in my twenties, I would have been angered by the first person and hurt by the second.  Back then, when an exchange like these two happened, I felt as though I were a pinball in a pinball machine, going from one “hit” to the next and ending up at night bruised by the interactions of the day.  I automatically concluded that I had been “snubbed” by people who clearly thought they were better or more important than I.  I recall bouncing between hurt and anger all the time.  It didn’t take much to push me from a calm, middle ground feeling into one of those emotions.

When I was in my thirties, these same exchanges would have resulted in me dismissing these people with a haughty attitude of “it’s her loss!”  I would have kept right on going but filed the exchange into my memory to pull out if ever that person should have the audacity to ask me for a favor.  I kept an account of wrongs done as though they were on an Excel spreadsheet that I could quickly and easily pull out for review and retribution.  Never again (after the abuse of my youth) was I going to allow myself to be offended by the same person twice!

Somewhere in my forties, I realized two very important truths.  First, I realized that I took offense at occurrences like this because I saw myself as a “white trash street girl.”  With that warped self-value, I automatically concluded, incorrectly, that others mistreated me because they saw me as unworthy of respect.  Second, I realized that most people have no intention of hurting or offending others. They are simply busy with their lives, their thoughts, and their obligations.  Many people have no idea that what they’ve done or said was hurtful at all.

I hope that with age my patience, wisdom, and mercy will continue to increase.  Rather than getting angry, feeling hurt, or dismissing those people yesterday, I said a little prayer for both of those ladies, and I went right on with a smile on my face and gratitude in my heart for the beautiful day.  I never again want to allow someone to steal my peace and joy by giving them the privilege of offending me.  I hope you guard your heart and keep your peace too.  Life is infinitely better when you refuse to take offense.

Rhonda Sciortino

www.rhondasciortino.com

www.facebook.com/rhondasciortino